#46 - I wish my husband knew how important time away is for a mom

December 19, 2023
49
 MIN

Episode Summary

'I wish my husband knew' is back on The Aro Podcast with Aro Co-Founder Joey and Mistye Wilson! This week Mistye introduces a topic that many moms can relate to: the significance of time away. Mistye candidly shares her perspective on how, as a mom, it's easy to feel like your identity is solely tied to being a parent. She discusses why women may struggle to prioritize their needs and Joey seeks advice for ways husbands can encourage and support their wives in taking time for themselves. Their conversation touches on the value of meaningful getaways for moms, daily rhythms as mini getaways, and the reality of mom guilt. Mistye also shares a reassuring message for young moms and emphasizes the importance of dads stepping up to stay with the kids when mom takes a break. Make sure to tune into one of our favorite series on The Aro Podcast!

Spotify Icon- Radio Webflow TemplateApple Podcast Icon - Radio Webflow Template

Watch the Conversation

Episode Transcript

Mistye Wilson (00:00):

Wives, moms, be honest with yourselves. Take a hot minute and strip yourself of your pride and your convictions and the lies that you're telling yourself that you are the only one that your child needs. That is a lie.

Joey Odom (00:19):

That's good.

Mistye Wilson (00:20):

It's an ugly lie. And we need to realize that we need time away and our kids, they need time away from us. Yeah,

Joey Odom (00:28):

That's very true.

Mistye Wilson (00:29):

So first of all, I would encourage women to just take that time for themselves and say, okay, what are my needs? Wow, I haven't had a second to think about my needs. I think about my kids all the time. I think about my husband. Take a step back, think about what you need. And then women go to your spouse and say, can we talk about something really weird that I didn't even think about until now?

Joey Odom (01:01):

Welcome back to, I Wish My Husband Knew Brought to you by The Aro Podcast. It's Joey Odom, Mistye Wilson, and we're so excited. Episode number two, Mistye. That's right.

Mistye Wilson (01:11):

Number two,

Joey Odom (01:11):

We did it. We are literally doubling our episodes right now.

Mistye Wilson (01:15):

Professionals already.

Joey Odom (01:16):

We are professionals. It only took one. It only took one. Right Now, Mistye, give the listener a reminder of what this is. Orient, have the listener.

Mistye Wilson (01:25):

So this is something, it's kind of, I wish my husband knew. So it's either something that, I mean, my husband and I have been married for 22, 23. He's better at that than me.

Joey Odom (01:34):

You should know that number.

Mistye Wilson (01:35):

I really should. I don't. Okay, that's fine. It's either something that we've been through throughout those years of like, gosh, I wish he knew how that made me feel. Or if he only knew. And then for some, it's like I've heard friends say these things, so yeah.

Joey Odom (01:50):

And you go, so what you'll do, so Mistye goes and gets a topic. I mean you even talk to your friends about it. 1000000%. Yeah. Because part of the challenge in this, and it's just for anybody listening, is this is our experiences. We've tried to talk to others about it. You've talked to others about it. So, but we're basing off our own experience. And so what we would encourage a listener to do is listen to this and find out what's true for you. And maybe more importantly, definitely more importantly, let it spark a conversation with you and your partner. That's the goal, right? Exactly.

Mistye Wilson (02:21):

That is the goal. Yeah. I have a big mouth and Heath is a great listener, so we make a really good team. So if I say something, he listens and not all relationships are like that. That's okay. So maybe this will make it easier.

Joey Odom (02:35):

Let this be Exactly. This will be maybe something that you're afraid to bring up. So if you just by just forwarding this episode to somebody else, to your partner, that allows them to hear it without you and necessarily having to bring it up and then let it spark conversation. I'd love it if people would just go schedule a date night and hey, let's talk about this. Even take some notes. So I'm excited about it. The little twist here is I have no idea what Mistye's about to bring up. She's going to say, I wish my husband knew. And then she's going to fill in the blank and I will have no idea what it is. So just like a spouse would, I'm going to have to figure out what in the heck you're talking about. Yeah, I'm coming at you. Yeah, you're coming at me. And just figure out what you're talking about. Ask some of the questions that maybe others might want to ask. I'll take the heat for you, but I going to do a quick review. Last month, you wished your husband knew how important eye contact was and you encouraged everybody, the listeners including me, to go have a period of time of sustained eye contact. Yeah.

Mistye Wilson (03:32):

How'd that go?

Joey Odom (03:33):

It was Kristen and I did this. It was really interesting. I think we went three or four minutes. Kristen made it to 55 seconds before she talked. She lost. She was visibly. Yeah, she lost. Yeah, I'm making a competition. She was visibly and both of us were, it was uncomfortable at first. And you said that it was actually uncomfortable to be to lock eyes and she broke the tension by talking. I just said, let's go ahead and focus. But here's what was really cool about it. As uncomfortable as it felt for both of us at the end of it, during it, I found myself looking in her eyes and thinking, these are the same eyeballs I looked into 22 years ago when we met. And I was just like, everything could change about her. Everything. My hair's a lot more gray. I got a few more lbs on kind of hanging in here, but our eyes are the exact same and they always will be the exact same. So I had this thought, what she said after this was amazing. She said after I asked her how it went and she said, she goes, I just thought about the fact we've been together for more than 20 years. Isn't that funny that both of us had the exact same thought we were connected. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah, it was so interesting. So for those of you who haven't listened to the first episode, I wish my husband knew. Please go do that. But it's a new month, Mistye.

Mistye Wilson (05:05):

Gosh, I love that you had that experience. It was cool. Done, Joe.

Joey Odom (05:08):

Thank you. Thank you. Look at you doing your homework. You alright? It's your hey. The floor. As a reminder. I have no idea what you're about to say. So the floor is completely yours, Mr. Wilson.

Mistye Wilson (05:19):

So I wish my husband knew how important my time away from the house and the kids and even his precious little darling baby soul. It's important.

Joey Odom (05:40):

How important Your time away.

Mistye Wilson (05:42):

My time away.

Joey Odom (05:44):

Alright, I have a million questions to begin. Frame it up for us to begin with. Take us a level deeper on what?

Mistye Wilson (05:51):

Well, I can tell you where it originated. Okay. Okay. So just a little backstory here. Heath had a previous business before this one. Took him on a lot of trips, a lot of travel, a lot of hours. And then we moved to London and took him a lot of more business travel and he just kept traveling more and more and more. Then we moved back to the states after two years and he starts training for an Iron Man and he was gone all the time. I'm absorbing all of the family, I'm absorbing it all, and women don't compartmentalize. So this is all just one big lump in my head. My husband gets to, and I'm going to put that in some quotes because he gets to go on these business trips. And so it originated with me being super, super bitter and just, I mean, really mad at him, really mad. I would see him pack up his bags and just wish I were packing my bags. I don't even care if it meant I was 30 minutes on an airplane where no one can talk to me unless they want to ask me if I want food or a drink.

(07:05)
Lucky him. I was so jealous. And these are when all of our kids were, I mean we had four under the age of five for a while, five years old. So you can imagine all the constant chatter in my ear. So I came to him out of bitterness and said, didn't ask. This is not like me. We're a team. So we ask one another things, but I said, I'm going on a business trip.

Joey Odom (07:37):

You said that

Mistye Wilson (07:37):

I'm going on a business trip. Now keep in mind I'm a stay at home mom. I mean, while my business is so important, there's really no reason for me to travel. And Heath's amazing response was, well, where are you going? And I said, I'm going anywhere. I'm going anywhere, but I'm going for two nights.

Joey Odom (08:06):

So this was while you were in London or when you were back in the States? This was back in the States. Back in the States. Got it.

Mistye Wilson (08:10):

And so he comes back with, let's book your hotel, let's let me help you. And so he just immediately opens up his laptop, starts making all the things.

Joey Odom (08:22):

And at this point, your kids were what age?

Mistye Wilson (08:26):

I don't know if that was like 2014 or 15.

Joey Odom (08:31):

So they were all under

Mistye Wilson (08:32):

Ten fourth. Oh yeah. Oh, they were. Yes.

Joey Odom (08:35):

All under 10. Yeah. Can we rabbit trail for just a second? This is maybe one that is worth discussing later, but at what stage of, I think sometimes this is just a guess, Heath said one and maybe this is true. Was Heath a little bit oblivious of how much he was away or was he aware of that

Mistye Wilson (08:58):

1000000%? I think the bitterness arose too because since he was always going on a business trip, it would just be like, oh yeah, I'm going out. I leave Sunday night for whatever and I'll be gone for four nights. And I'm like, it's

Joey Odom (09:13):

Just a hey FYI.

Mistye Wilson (09:15):

Okay, okay. Because it just got to be so common. And it also got to a point where the kids, this sounds so bad for Heath and he's such a good man, but he was very busy at that time with all the things. But the kids would just ask, well, no, they stopped asking Where's dad? They stopped just dad wasn't home. Yeah.

Joey Odom (09:36):

And the triathlon was even more so Heath said that was the worst period of your marriage.

Mistye Wilson (09:41):

It was the worst period of our marriage ever. When they held up those signs that say if you're still married, you didn't train hard enough. If you stop a job, you didn't train hard enough. Are you serious? Oh yeah, they hold up those posters. Yeah. And at first I laughed. I thought that's really funny. And then when you're in it, it's not funny.

Joey Odom (09:58):

I wonder if there are any, I would love any triathlete spouses to reach out. Sure. A lot can relate to this. I've heard that. Which is funny. Triathlons are interesting. And that kind of training is interesting because I think a very common thing is the husband goes, plays golf on Saturday.

Mistye Wilson (10:13):

That is exactly it.

Joey Odom (10:15):

That one feels lazy. But the triathlon is two things. One of them, it's training for something. And so it's this big ambitious goal. So it almost feels more justifiable, but it's also more time intensive than a five hour round of golf. Right.

Mistye Wilson (10:29):

For sure. For sure. He used to check his watch on Sunday mornings. I could see him at church, he'd look at his watch and I knew in his head he was thinking, okay, I've got two hours on the bike. I need to do a, because you do two and three workouts every day. And so I could just see him computing his Sunday was going, going, going. And I'm thinking, listen, we're here with Jesus right now. You need to pay attention.

Joey Odom (10:56):

Do you think in retrospect you let your bitterness fester too long?

Mistye Wilson (11:01):

1000%.

Joey Odom (11:04):

If you could have gone back and maybe, I don't know when that began, or maybe how would you have begun to cut off the bitterness? And maybe this is for the person who is starting to feel like a little bit of is the first step just a little bit of resentment, maybe disappointment, then resentment, then bitterness.

Mistye Wilson (11:24):

Oh gosh, it's just such a, first of all, it is my job. The kids are my job and I take it very seriously. I was a school teacher before, so kids, that is my line of work. And so when I had my own, they are my job. And so I took that so seriously. But women also tend to really take them on, which leads us into a whole of the thing. We won't go down that, but you love God first. You love your spouse next, and then you love your children. And for me, I really was, I mean I was in my kids, just my kids and I don't know, I just didn't look up. I think I just buried my head and the harder he was working on his job, the harder I was working in mine. And it just split until I looked up and thought, oh, I'm mad.

Joey Odom (12:19):

How could you have, maybe you just answered it is would the first step of men just looking up and being like, Hey, I'm a little bit pissed off right now.

Mistye Wilson (12:28):

I think I probably said it. We're very communicative. So that was kind of a tough word

Joey Odom (12:34):

Right there. You nailed it. I slowed it out.

Mistye Wilson (12:36):

You nailed it. You're just shoving off. I know. Vocabulary is amazing. Yeah, so I think I probably mentioned it and at the same time he and I are both, but this is where we are, but this is it. He's growing a business. This is where we are in life. So everybody has to pull up the bootstraps and

Joey Odom (13:03):

Yeah, that's true. I'm wondering how you get to that point mean? Is there anything you could have, maybe let me ask you, is there anything you could have done at that point? I mean early on before the resentment, bitterness started to really creep in.

Mistye Wilson (13:17):

Yeah, and I would say it's almost, this is terrible to even think about, but now that I'm thinking of it, even when the kids were, we just brought them home. Somatics were premature and they'd been in the NICU for three or four weeks and we finally got 'em home and Heath just made sure that I was sitting on the couch pretty well and he went to work.

Joey Odom (13:44):

Wow.

Mistye Wilson (13:46):

He did.

Joey Odom (13:48):

Which I do think society, it's interesting. I think you were hearing, I wonder if the term paternity leave existed in 2006, when were the kids born?

Mistye Wilson (13:58):

No, I don't think so.

Joey Odom (14:00):

There's no paternity leave now paternity leave. It's almost like you need do permission or almost the forcing into it.

Mistye Wilson (14:06):

Well, the baby blues or postpartum, all these things for women are so real. And if you don't attack it soon enough, it just festers until you're looking at your kid, which this was for me. We'd already moved back from London. So Zane was five years old and I remember being in the laundry room and I don't, didn't like his socks a certain way or his shoes or whatever. And so I completely yelled at him and I knew in that moment something's wrong with me if my kid just wanted his sock on correctly. And I'm yelling at him in his little face, cutest face, stinking love him. But I had all these other three rugrats all around me, literally hanging on me while they're putting their shoes on and leaning on me. And I went to therapy right after that, right after that. And I did have postpartum and from being in London, it was, yeah, I just gotten a little nutty. So I took care of all of that and it got a lot better. I should have said something way before, but I don't know that women know it. Yeah.

Joey Odom (15:31):

Hey, this is just part of it, and I know you said nutty, but tongue in cheek. But it is, I mean it's just, hey, this is a normal part of life. And it's almost like if you can, my guess is almost if you just know, and I don't know what your situation was like in London, but my suspicion is you probably didn't have a community of people around you. You probably didn't have other women to realize like, oh, I'm not where you're thinking you're nutty, but you're like, oh, I'm normal because we're all going through this. So community is so important there. I would've said too, what could Heath for the guys, what could Heath have done in that period of time? Knowing there are certain things that are fixed. He's growing a business, he's got it. We put the triathlon aside, but the things that had to be done, he was doing, what could he have done in that period of time that could have been helpful.

Mistye Wilson (16:15):

So I will tell you a couple of things that he actually did do, and it's just why I stink and love him so much. I guess the twins, they were older than six months, but not too much older. Let's see. So probably nine, 10 months. And I came home, the babysitter had been, I'd gotten a babysitter to just watch the kids for a few hours and I would go eat firehouse subs in my car and cry. That's what I did. I knew I needed to get out of the house. I knew this was important for me. I didn't want to leave my babies, but it was important. So I'd go get firehouse subs and I would weep into my bread. So I came home one day from doing just that, and our babysitter was there and all she said was, Hey, Heath called. He wants you to go pack a bag and take one nice outfit.

(17:14)
And she also said for two nights. So I go back and I'm thinking, what is even happening? I don't want to leave my kids. What is going on? Heath had planned a little weekend getaway for the two of us, and I had no idea where, and even in this moment, I actually cannot remember where we went, and I don't think it was anything extravagant, but even going to a dinner where I even had to put on jeans, which was even something even nicer than that, but that was a big deal. I felt like a woman instead of the mom that's being sped up on. And my hair's a mess and I'm embarrassed when he comes home and he smells like the office and the outside world. And I just felt really ugly and I felt very, very beautiful that weekend. That was one thing that he did.

Joey Odom (18:12):

I love what you just said, and maybe it's a challenge to the guys, one of the things, but how can you make your wife feel like a woman instead of just a mom?

Mistye Wilson (18:20):

Yes. Wow. We lose our identity when our kids are born. Honestly, for the most part, we don't really care because a lot of moms love our kids so much and it becomes too much. But we put everything into our kids. We just need to be pulled back by our husband sometimes and just like You are my wife.

Joey Odom (18:42):

Yeah, that's

Mistye Wilson (18:43):

Good. It's such a good feeling.

Joey Odom (18:45):

That's one of those things. Yeah. Knowing that you're the wife, his wife.

Mistye Wilson (18:49):

Yes.

Aro Member (18:54):

The beautiful irony is that I found Aro from Instagram. I'm pretty sure it was your ad that pegged me that it was like, am I lying to myself when I'm saying I want more intentionality with my family, but not, it felt like there was this strange inability to actually do what I wanted to do. It was almost this little tiny glimmer of desperation of like, could this be my thing? Well, I don't see anything else on the internet. I don't see anything else in the, could I put it in a shoebox? Sure. Okay. Am I doing that? No, I'm not doing that. It was almost this, I don't know what I need. And then, okay, I see this one thing. I'm like, well, this could be it. I don't know. Let me try. And now here I am on the other side of that and it's affected the days and weeks even when not at home. We've traveled a little bit this summer. I don't bring my Aro box with me when we traveled. Have I thought about it? I have, but it's affected the way that I approach my phone just in a general sense. Now

Joey Odom (19:52):

We love hearing stories from the Aro community. The one you just heard actually comes from our Voices of Aro episodes where I sit down with Aro members and they share about their stories and their lives with Aro. Make sure to check out the Voices of Aro episodes, and if you're a member who would like to share your own story with Aro, please email us at stories@goaro.com.

Joey Odom (20:17):

Okay.

Joey Odom (20:18):

So one immediate piece of pushback that comes up for me is that I have a guys' trip I do every year with the same guys who've done it, done for a bunch of years. There are things I try to be careful about the times I am away, but I find that even if I encourage it, Kristen still is resistant to it. And it's almost like maybe the conditions have to be perfect for her to it. Oh, I don't know who I'd go with. It's maybe the friction of planning it, but I find that guys are much more to a fault, but much more willing and able to say, here's something that I need. Here's something that I want to do. So I do think it's, I hear you when you say, I wish my husband knew how much it means to me to get away, but I don't think that women take that opportunity.

(21:13)
I don't think they're proactive in doing that. So maybe first question is why are women not willing to do that? And then secondly, what can a husband do to actually encourage it? Let me give one more. I'll ask the questions again because I'm going on, but in a way I think that, and again, don't hold me fully to this, but it's almost like women, they grow resent without even giving someone a chance. I didn't even get Heath maybe at that point, didn't even, now, should he have been more aware? Absolutely, guys, yes, need to get hit by a two by four, but it's almost like it could feel, I'm sure from his perspective, like an unfair amount of bitterness because when you gave him the opportunity, he was like, yeah, where are you going? Lemme help plan

Mistye Wilson (21:56):

It. I don't even knew that he knew that I was bitter. And I think to flip it the way that you're asking, how would a guy know or how, it's almost the same kind of thing if your spouse is working super hard, it could also be that the woman's working and the husband's there at home. Okay, so your spouse, it's the same as whichever one is working the most or putting so much time into something and they need a break. They don't know. So Heath gets up on Sunday mornings and I sleep in and he loves that time because he can get some more work done in the morning or he can plan for a Saturday with all of the work and things that he wants to do during the day. It takes me sometimes saying, would you just not do any of that today? It really is okay if you want to sit and watch football all day long.

(22:57)
And I think if he did that all the time, I wouldn't be saying that. But the fact that he just keeps going the Energizer bunny. So it's constantly me being just sit down, don't do anything for a minute. It's almost the opposite. Or same saying with the spouse, that's with the kids. Go take a break. When have you gotten out of the house? When have you been out? And it's not just, oh, I'll stay home with the kids this Saturday while you go to the grocery store. No, no. Although I will say that's pretty special whenever you're in the house all day and you get to go to the grocery store without your children, that is a nice

Joey Odom (23:37):

Thing. Alright, so the answer to the question, you said, how would a guy, again, don't get caught up as much on gender, but how would a guy know his wife needs to get away? And the answer is, because she's a human, right? It's almost like let's, instead of trying to read, detect all the signs, I think we may be overcomplicating it. For anybody listening, your spouse needs to get away. Yes. Right? Is that true? Yes, it is. So what is an effective way that a husband can encourage that for, again, I think because wives are so duty bound and I got to take care the kids, what can a guy do to encourage it? And then what can a guy do to assuage some of the concerns that a wife might have for what's going to happen when I'm away? Yeah.

Mistye Wilson (24:21):

The one rape said we're going out for the weekend was just so attractive. The other one, there was a time that he asked me to go on a business trip with him, and that was pretty cool. I would just stay in the hotel while he was doing whatever meetings. That's a great way. If it's anything about cost finance or anything like that, husband wake up in the morning and when your wife gets up or let her sleep in, say, you know what? I've got the kids in the morning, you sleep and you need to just get out of the house tomorrow. It doesn't matter what you do, but I want you to be gone for two hours. Start small.

Joey Odom (24:59):

And is what about that is meaningful? Is it the actual act of getting away or is the fact that he thought about you?

Mistye Wilson (25:07):

Then it becomes both.

Joey Odom (25:09):

Okay, then it's both.

Mistye Wilson (25:10):

Yeah, that is definitely both. Yes. We started with, I wish my husband knew how I need the time away, but wow. I mean, if he can go ahead and read it and see it and plan for it, that is just extremely attractive. That is, well women we're feelers and that is above and beyond. If he just thought first to say, Hey,

Joey Odom (25:40):

And this goes back to, I'm imagining a guy getting really excited about this idea and then going and saying, Hey, I planned a weekend away for you. And then when she's just like, I really just want a date night with you, or saying, Hey, I planned a date night with you and her thinking, I would kind of like some time on my own. And it's almost like asking for your own Christmas present. You don't like to do that. You wish the other person would guess it. But how can we figure, this is just the most basic dumb husband question ever. How can you figure out what your wife needs?

Mistye Wilson (26:12):

You have to have a conversation.

Joey Odom (26:14):

And is that okay for on the other side of that conversation? I just think, and maybe there's a perception that the wives would be like, do you not know me? How would you not know what I

Mistye Wilson (26:23):

Want? Yeah. Well, and then she's just got to swallow her pride. Quit being ridiculous. I mean, it's the dead truth. And because I was so prideful about my job and how well I can raise my children and nobody can do it as well as I can, well, maybe not, but it doesn't matter. Having them stay home with their dad for a little while is huge.

Joey Odom (26:43):

That is

Mistye Wilson (26:43):

Good. It's huge. Let him make mistakes in front of his kids. Let him do things that are more fun with food than what you would've done. The control and the pride. Women have to just let it go.

Joey Odom (26:57):

I want to offer a caution to men. I want to see if you agree with this. I would caution men against you. Your wife goes away. And actually we'll give a real time story about this in a second. Hey, your wife's going to go away for the weekend. You have the kids that weekend. I want to caution you against pushing the kids off on your mom or give 'em to someone else. And then you go in and have a golf weekend. Will you explain? Yeah.

Mistye Wilson (27:22):

Oh, I can't even, I

Joey Odom (27:24):

Cannot. Let's hear about

Mistye Wilson (27:25):

It. I cannot. Yeah, I actually had a really good friend of mine now divorced, so that'll tell you something. But that's exactly what would happen if we would go on a trip together or she goes out with friends or she goes, because she was working, so she would go somewhere for a couple of nights on business and she would, her husband, she's got two kids, here they are, I have to go and do this, or I want to go and do this. And he was fine to say, yeah, go for it. And then he would call his mom and she would come in and grandma would take over and he'd be playing golf.

Joey Odom (28:00):

Why is that a problem?

Mistye Wilson (28:02):

First of all, you're not babysitting. You are a dad.

Joey Odom (28:05):

Come on.

Mistye Wilson (28:06):

So this is your time to be a dad without the mom breathing down your neck. Use it, enjoy it, have fun with it because it doesn't last long. And handing it over to your mom guys, she's already raised you. Your mom might sit there and say, oh, I'd love to take the kids. And I'm sure she probably does, but at the same time, she would also love to see her son being a man and taking his kids and having a blast with 'em

Joey Odom (28:36):

Or she loves it and she's still kind of mommying a grown man, and that's not okay either. I mean, I got to think the man looks like a little boy at that time.

Mistye Wilson (28:47):

And what does it look like to your kids when mom's heading out and you've got the weekend with your dad and the mom heads out and dad calls grandma and goes golfing. It's disgusting.

Joey Odom (28:59):

I did a couple weeks ago, Kristen had a getaway with one of her best friends in the world and she had planned, she hadn't done a getaway in a year or two, and I had something else. I was like, oh, there was a retirement party for a friend of mine out of state. And so I was saying to Kristen, I was like, Hey, I think I could, I may just get arrange kids and I may go on this while you're out of town and it's great out of town. And there was some passive aggressiveness and I just kept, well, what is it? And she finally told me, she's like, because I want to get away. I don't want to think about it because all I'm going to be doing is thinking about what the kids are doing and it'd be a heck of a lot more helpful if you just let me have my weekend. And I got grumpy. And I said, well, why did you just tell me that to begin with? And one, it's because I should have known you're not

Mistye Wilson (29:46):

A babysitter.

Joey Odom (29:47):

Yeah, exactly. You're the dad. But it was really helpful. And when I heard that, I said, okay, I get that. So it's almost like for guys, it's something where I'm not trying to vilify us fellows. We just don't know. We're just not thinking that level deep. And probably for us, because I wouldn't care if I were gone. I don't care what you do over the weekend. But that is a good note. Will you talk about the getaway you discussed was Well,

Mistye Wilson (30:13):

And lemme stop. Let me go real quick on what you just said. When we get to leave the dad home, nothing we don't have to make, well, maybe some women do. I could just leave and my husband's there if he leaves too. Guess who's in charge of calling a sitter, writing up the notes of how and when babies go to sleep, what they eat, and it's just No, you've already ruined the vacation before I've even gone on it. No. Then that's why women wouldn't go because we don't want to put, we just want to disappear

Joey Odom (30:48):

From, okay, so that's one of the reasons why that's one why you want to get away at all. Right? I mean that's, excuse me, that's one of the reasons why you resist going away is

Mistye Wilson (30:58):

Because Yes, it's so hard to leave your kids. Yeah.

Joey Odom (31:02):

I mean that right there, I want that to spark a discussion. I think that for any couple that's so important. And I think there probably are people listening and be like, well, that's definitely not true. My spouse doesn't feel the way

Mistye Wilson (31:14):

You don't know better

Joey Odom (31:15):

In conversation. And she might know, and we're making the conversation easy. Right. Go ahead and we're making this conversation very easy for you to start that way. Yeah. Okay. I want to talk about the types of trips, the types of getaways. And the one that you described, I believe was kind of like a triage. You were bleeding from your carotid artery just shooting blood out everywhere. That's true. And you had to go get some triage. Yeah. Will you talk about maybe different types of individual or trips a getaway for a woman? There may not be a lot, there's all kinds. Will you tell me what are those types of trips and getaways that are meaningful?

Mistye Wilson (31:50):

All kinds. And I think this is not necessarily a conversation for our moms, their decade, their generation. This is not for them. I think this is for our generation who, I don't know, I don't see it in my mom's generation where they I agree, feel the need to go once a year on a trip. I think it's still important. I just don't know that they do it. For my generation, getting away with one other girlfriend and sitting in a hotel room and watching scary movies and eating a bag of chips out of the bag, that to me is such a vacation or going to the spa for a full entire day. And if you've got the finances, go for an entire day and just get your legs massaged, your toenails done. Go do that. There's the other one where there's me and several moms and I mean, I could just get emotional about it.

(32:54)
There's 9, 10, 11 of us, and it's the second year that we've done it. I come back a better human, a better mom, a better wife, a better everything. Because I've just been able to sit in a room with women and all we need is to just talk and to hear and to be heard. And women do a really good job of that. We just all sit around together. We just don't have to go play golf all day or chum around with guys do. And that's so much fun for them. But women just need to sit around and have coffee together in their pajamas. It's amazing.

Joey Odom (33:34):

That is so interesting. It really is.

Mistye Wilson (33:36):

I know, I

Joey Odom (33:37):

Know. And you mentioned this may be a tip for the guys. You mentioned the finances, sitting around a spa, if your wife likes that sort of thing. What a neat gift you could give on maybe saving throughout the year and doing, and it doesn't have to be, again, if you've been to a spa, I mean, you can get one small treatment and then hang out at the spa for the rest of the day. It's not like that. And the service itself. So I know where I'm being very specific, but what a cool gift and say, I've saved up here for, I've sold some stuff on eBay, I've done for you to go do this.

Mistye Wilson (34:06):

That would be, I mean, I could cry. Yeah. Yeah.

Joey Odom (34:12):

So the short term, I wanted to make some distinctions on the getting away. We're talking about a, we're kind of talking naturally towards the context of a weekend getaway, but what are some other manageable routines or rhythms that you could embed within your normal week? What's something that a woman, what would be helpful for a woman just on your own or something that you can just, again, can just become a rhythm, like, hey, oh yeah. On Tuesday mornings I go get coffee, or on Thursday nights I have a girl's night. Or on the

Mistye Wilson (34:47):

Weekend, on Friday mornings, I go and get sub sandwich and eat it

Joey Odom (34:50):

In my car and die. That was a ritual

Mistye Wilson (34:52):

For me. I mean, lemme tell you, I couldn't wait for it. I knew I was going to get that sandwich. I knew I was going to be in the car and I knew I was going to cry. And I looked forward to it. Couldn't wait.

Joey Odom (35:03):

It's such a, I mean, it is a great release, I'm sure. Yeah. It's

Mistye Wilson (35:06):

Pitiful. But for moms, and this is what I would tell my young mom self, I wish when your babies go to sleep, don't clean. Don't wash the bottles. Don't wash the clothes. Go take a nap. Nap when the babies nap because women are so deprived of sleep and we become just zombies inside of ourselves. And you're not doing yourself, your husband, your kids, any good, go take the nap. So that might be another thing if the husband comes home and he might just be like, Hey, you can go take a nap if you'd like to. I mean, for young moms, that is not to have to worry about when a baby cries, that you can actually lay in your bed and your heart's not palpitating because you're just waiting for that baby to cry. The baby's taken care of. You just go to your room and go to sleep. That is a big, big, big deal. So that's a getaway that costs nothing. And it might mean everything for a mom that has a six month old baby. Everything. Yeah. Yeah. Go take that nap.

Joey Odom (36:18):

I have one more question then I want to actually come back to the rhythms. I think it'd be kind of interesting to calendar out a year in a moment. Before we do that, you have two seniors in high school. You have another high school, you have a middle schooler. What about the stages of motherhood? Do you know what I mean? What would be in the stages of motherhood? Maybe let's put it in four different categories. You have the infancy stage, elementary and maybe just three in infancy stage kind, elementary and then into middle school and high school. Have your needs changed in terms of getaways or you time or friend

Mistye Wilson (37:01):

Time? Yes and no. When the kids were infants, it was just nice to even go sit on my front porch and Heath had the kids inside. That was a break. That was a break. That is not going to do it for me these days. It's nice. That's really nice. But I can get that while the kids are at school.

Joey Odom (37:19):

Plus, it'd be weird for heath to be holding the kids on his lap right now. It would be, they're a little old for that. They're a bit of fun.

Mistye Wilson (37:25):

Mad, definitely would not be okay with that. Yeah. So now it's me going away with girlfriends or just time to myself. And as I'm saying this, and this is the woman, here we are again. I'm like, it sounds so selfish because I stay at home, I'm a stay at home mom, and all my kids are in school eight hours a day or more if they have afterschool activities. There's just something. My home is my office. There's something about getting out of the office. So even when I'm home and I'm alone, I'm in my office, there's still things that I feel guilty. Ooh, mom, guilt. There's still something that's in me that's like, I should be washing clothes. I should be getting ready for dinner. I should should, if I want a hotel room, I got nothing to do.

Joey Odom (38:25):

So maybe another tip for guys is do not make sure, fight against any of this. There's any kind of selfishness. And especially don't, and I'm the king of this. Don't pat yourself on the back for stuff you were supposed to do anyway. When they're gone. Don't pat yourself on the back for unquote babysitting. Hey,

Mistye Wilson (38:44):

En unload the dishwasher.

Joey Odom (38:46):

Yeah, exactly. Jeff Fox. That's a great old bit on that where it's the nine month old pregnant wife mowing the lawn and the husband says he took out the trash for you. Don't worry about it. But I think that's another good tip for guys. Here is one for ladies. You got it. You're not being selfish. You're taking care of yourself. In fact, by you taking care of yourself, you're better able to be there for everybody around you. And if husbands can make sure to fight against this impulse to take credit or have your wife feel guilty about doing this, just if you can encourage it, man, what a game changer. And again, for the guys that you're not doing it out of selfish pursuit for yourself, but it will end up, that'll be good for you if you do that. It feels counterintuitive.

Mistye Wilson (39:31):

So, so important. Yeah. Yeah. Taking trips as a husband and wife, that's also a gift. And if the husband were to be the one, if he knows anything about any of the babysitters or calling his mom at that point, that's really nice to go on a trip together. Even if it's his business trip, go with him. Ask if you can go with him. Say, I'm really jealous of you being on an airplane for an hour while you fly here. Can I get on that airplane with you? Because when you're in that seat and you're a mom, there is, you have to sit down. You are buckled in. There is a light above you that says you have to stay in your

Joey Odom (40:10):

Seat. Yeah. It's amazing. You have to, it's amazing. They give you drinks too. Yeah, it's great. Right? Well, and if a guy, spouse, male or female is, if they travel a bunch, they probably have a companion certificate to be able to where their spouse can fly with them. So they remove a lot of excuses if someone travels a bunch. Yeah. Alright, so I want to hear about, let's schedule out, let's go back to rhythms and just begin. You're really on this scheduling thing. I, is

Mistye Wilson (40:36):

This because you,

Joey Odom (40:37):

That's a good question. It's

Mistye Wilson (40:38):

The spontaneity. And you wouldn't think that you would along the way, forget.

Joey Odom (40:45):

Yes. I think plan spontaneity is the best kind of spontaneity. If you plan spontaneity. I mean, if you just plan, even if it's because then you can color in the lines on the important things. If you just say for a guy, here's the schedule. And it is, you're right. I need to be more literal about it. And so this is almost maybe a little bit of a hack for yourself. It's going to feel like you're being spontaneous to your partner. No, I get it. But for you,

Mistye Wilson (41:11):

Yeah. It's almost like if you're just now beginning this with young kids, just look at your month ahead and say it's whether it's a Saturday or a Sunday, and honey, I've got the kids on Saturday the 23rd, and each month find your day. Because if you do it every Tuesday night at six o'clock, life is busy and things come up. And if she misses that Saturday the 23rd because something came up, husbands wives put it back on the calendar for the week later or for a day later. Or don't just skip that month. Figure out when to do it if you miss that day.

Joey Odom (41:51):

Alright, so we're going to go with, and this is more for, and the reason I'm kind of teeing this up also, is for this to be an easier discussion to say, Hey, here's a framework that I heard, and how does this work for you? So a day, a month of solitude, a day or evening, A month of solitude. What about a frequency of date night with the two of you? How frequently?

Mistye Wilson (42:13):

So Heath and I, when the kids were little, we did it once a week. It was Thursdays.

Joey Odom (42:18):

And that can also, by the way, be a glass of wine on the back porch. That is not an extravagant dinner. It could.

Mistye Wilson (42:25):

And the other thing with that too is for a long time when our kids were younger, they knew after dinner we'd clean up from dinner and mom and dad go out on the back porch and that's our time. And we might be out here for 30 minutes. We might be out here for an hour. They'd look through the window at us, no, not yet, still talking. And then later we would let them come out, which they see us out there talking. Kids love when their parents are investing in one another, they're watching that. And that sets up their expectation for their future marriage. So it's kind of a win-win in every single way.

Joey Odom (43:01):

Yeah. Okay. So we have a day, a month for solitude for woman or man, maybe for both a date night, once a week together. How frequently do you think maybe where's a starting point for a getaway, an overnight one or two, an overnight again, for you, what would've been good on an annual basis? Was it once a year? Is it more than that? Gosh,

Mistye Wilson (43:23):

Once a year is sometimes really difficult. And so I would say definitely start with once a year. Okay. I bet Heath and I go two or three times a year now, but our kids are older. Yes.

Joey Odom (43:39):

And then that for you is also, and this is maybe, is this in solitude or together for you alone?

Mistye Wilson (43:46):

Both. Okay. I'd love to have one with him and one by myself because they're very different. And it does go back to the kids before I leave, and Heath and I are both going. I'm in charge of getting everything lined up. And I'm the one that has my phone by me on the weekend that if grandma calls, I need to be there. And so I've got that internal ball of stress inside of me when if he's home and I go, I'm gone, man,

Joey Odom (44:13):

I'm gone. That's right. And that can be, and you're very good about, Hey, I'm staying in town at a hotel or going to drive to go see, I'm going to go stay at Sharon's house, your friend. That's

Mistye Wilson (44:23):

What that first one was when I said, begrudgingly that I'm going on a business trip. And I bet I was minutes away from the house. I felt like I was a million miles. Yeah, it was amazing. Amazing.

Joey Odom (44:36):

Yeah. What am I not asking? Maybe let's tie it up here. What am I not asking? I think I do. Again, let's begin with this. A day, a month of solitude, a date, one date night a week, and then one time an overnight on an annual basis. Let's just begin with those three things. But what am I missing? What are questions am I not asking? Well,

Mistye Wilson (44:58):

How about just a simple conversation like wives, moms, be honest with yourselves. Like take a hot minute and strip yourself of your pride and your convictions and the lies that you're telling yourself that you are the only one that your child needs. That is a lie.

Joey Odom (45:22):

That's good.

Mistye Wilson (45:23):

It's an ugly lie. And we need to realize that we need time away and our kids, they need time away from us. Yeah,

Joey Odom (45:31):

That's very true.

Mistye Wilson (45:32):

So first of all, I would encourage women to just take that time for themselves and say, okay, what are my needs? Like, wow, I haven't had a second to think about my needs. I think about my kids all the time. I think about my husband. Take a step back, think about what you need. And then women go to your spouse and say, can we talk about something really weird that I didn't even think about until now? And then just talk about it and say, I don't even know what my needs are, but I know I need something. Maybe it's, it's just an hour just to go for a walk by yourself.

Joey Odom (46:05):

I don't want to be a broken record here, but that's a cue. We talk about cues a lot. That's a cue. Whenever your wife says, can I talk to you about something weird? And even saying something weird, that's almost like when I hear that, that's a little defense mechanism. You're not fully confident in saying it. Can I talk to you? So it's like that's, again, we talk about subtle bids. So what the guy does there, fellows or on the other side, what the woman, if you can do, just say Absolutely. Lemme put my phone away. Just the simple act again of putting it away. And then

Mistye Wilson (46:31):

There's that eye contact.

Joey Odom (46:33):

Absolutely. It

Mistye Wilson (46:34):

All comes back around.

Joey Odom (46:35):

No doubt. We just went full circle. I liked that. We did. That was good. We brought it back the first episode of which my husband did. That's great,

(46:42)
Man. This is awesome. Again, our hope is this starts a conversation and find out what works for you. We've talked about things from our own personal place, our own personal place of faith, our personal places of what works for us, what this is all to begin a conversation, to take out that first 50% of friction of having it. So just to have this conversation with each other. I think this alone, how important my time away is this could be a game changer and preempt resentment and make a huge difference in marriages. And jade, nice work and paid

Mistye Wilson (47:13):

So

Joey Odom (47:13):

Proud of us. I'm so proud of us.

(47:20)
All right, gang. There you go. Your marching orders for this month is to have a conversation with your spouse about the importance of time away. Find out what's important to your spouse. Be honest and open and vulnerable, really trusting your spouse that they're going to be able to listen to you, digest what's important to you, and then do something about it. So be open and honest with your feelings around it. We're so grateful for you listening to this month's episode. I wish My husband knew. We'll be back next Tuesday with another episode of The Aro Podcast. It's important to us to have great guests, to bring great content to you that's enriching for your life, that will help you join a new generation of intentional families. So will you do us a favor and go subscribe to The Aro Podcast wherever you listen. That's very important for us in getting good guests, bring good content to you. Please subscribe to The Aro Podcast wherever you listen. Thank you again. We can't wait to see you again next week for The Aro Podcast and next month, for I wish my husband knew. The Aro Podcast is produced and edited by the team at Palm Tree Podcast. Special thanks to Emily Miles for video and digital support, and to our executive producer Aro's own, Katelyn Farley.