Episode 25: Intentionality with your daughter: how to help her navigate emotions, temptations, and realities of life with Christian Bevere
Watch the Conversation
Christian Bevere (00:00):
Got to this point of living in what I call a promise of a happy marriage, marrying to a great man, and then the shame cycle comes back up of, well, you didn't do everything right. Why do you deserve this? Shouldn't someone else be in your shoes instead of you? And the isolation factor, I just put that all back in and it picked up different roots that I hadn't fully weeded out. And I think that's with shame, we really have to be aware of what roots, because it only takes one foothold for the enemy to grow something, and to pull on that in so many different ways. And it comes so weedy that we have to know what are the footholds, what am I still holding onto? And for me, it was that image of not being enough.
Joey Odom (00:47):
Welcome back to The Aro Podcast, where you get inspiration and tools to live an intentional life. This is Joey Odom, co-founder of Aro, and our guest this week is gonna give you that inspiration and those tools to live an intentional life. Christian Bevere just wrote Break Up with What Broke You. In fact, it's August 8th when this episode launches, this releases to the market August 15th. You're gonna want a copy of that. In fact, we're gonna do a giveaway on our social media, so go check that out. But this book is written for really young women and for women, but it hit me too. And I, if you're watching on YouTube, can tell I'm not a young woman, but this hit me because I have a 13 year old daughter. So this really resonated in talking about things like shame and fear and comparison, and all those things that women deal with and that all of us deal with. So you're gonna like this no matter who you are, no matter where you are in life. For now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy my conversation with Christian Bevere.
Like most things, social media can be a force for good or bad. Our guest wields it as a force for good. She speaks directly to women telling them things they need to hear. Things like a woman without any flaws only comes in plastic and love your scars and keep believing. She used to write letters starting with dear future husband, but she now writes Instagram posts describing her husband ardent as both holy and moley, and that she was pregnant with her son Azariah. She put countless hours into her brilliant new book breakup with what Broke You Releasing August 15th. Please welcome to The Aro Podcast, Mrs. Christian Bevere Christian, welcome to The Aro podcast.
Christian Bevere (02:23):
Thank you. What an introduction. I hope I can live up to the lofty title <laugh>.
Joey Odom (02:29):
Well, that, I mean, I think actually the lofty title belongs to Arden being you. You called him Holy and Moley. That's, that's something to live up to.
Christian Bevere (02:36):
I mean, I woke up this morning and just rolled over. This doesn't happen every morning, but I rolled over. I was like, man, you are just such a attractive, tall, magnificent guy that snores, but it's still just amazing <laugh>. He's really incredible.
Joey Odom (02:51):
That's really good. I can tell you from experience, the snoring only gets worse. Um, it only gets worse. I'm a few years ahead of you guys, and, uh, but that's all right. As long as he keeps, uh, yeah, as long as he stays in the gym, then he can snore all he want once, right?
Christian Bevere (03:04):
I guess so. I mean, the problem is I'm sleep deprived whenever he snores, so it's like he doesn't really get worse. I get worse. So I don't know. That's right. As long as he stays with me, I guess I should say <laugh>.
Joey Odom (03:15):
That's exactly right. I love that. Well, I, I'm very, very excited to talk about your book. I I just, I just read a breakup with what Broke You, again, releasing August 15th, and I know I'm not your intended audience. I know when you wrote this, you weren't thinking, Hey, how about like early to mid forties mail? Um, that's not, that's not who you wrote it for. But I, I'll tell you why this was so good for me, is because I'm the father of a 13 year old daughter. Mm-hmm. And, and it's almost as if Christian almost in, in reading it, it was almost like, Hey, read this before, read this as your daughter's entering the teens, because so much of it, and we're gonna talk all, you know, in the shame or regret and all that kind of stuff. This could be the thing that, you know, a lot of dads wish they would've read. And as you tell your story and you tell like, certain stories of regret, which everybody has, it was just so, it was just so beautiful and I felt like really timely for me. So I, I would love to, I'd love to hear a little bit of the, the backstory on how it came to be and then who you were thinking about as you were writing it.
Christian Bevere (04:15):
Yeah. Well, I can't tell you how liberating that is to hear, because I've already been having conversations with my own dad, and he's saying things like, I'm so proud of you, I can't wait to read it. And I'm like, thank you. Oh, wait, you're gonna have to read some stuff. Oh, boy, that might be hard. So I think I might give him a book and just cut out chapter two, <laugh>. That's okay. I don't know yet. We'll figure it out. Um, but yeah, it's, it's neat how it's hitting different areas and really relating with different people and such a gift. I mean, I started out writing this, and without getting forward to questions, I know we'll talk about later on, it really was a releasing and a vulnerability, which I am an Enneagram for, you know, feel, however you, you do about that. But I'm naturally, I love to go deep.
I love to relate, but I also love the, the beauty of creating. Yeah. And sometimes it gets messy and it's hard to know, like what is to release and what is to keep, what's to heal and what's to help others heal. So it was, uh, <laugh> liberating to say the least. And as you mentioned, I wrote a lot of it when I was pregnant and newly postpartum with our firstborn. And I'm sure, you know, having kids of your own, it's almost a haze. So just, I, I feel like it was re-walk through some of the journeys and the stories and the testimonies and seeing it with, with fresh eyes, with tired eyes, <laugh> with tear field eyes, sometimes a lot of it, Joey still, still gets me. I just read the audio book not too long ago and just thinking, man, these are really real, um, things that teenagers have to come up against.
It's really tantalizing almost to see this is where our society is. These are things that almost aren't talked about enough. And when you mentioned the, what was the why behind writing this book? That was it for me. Yeah. I graduated college, came home. I remember sitting on my mom's bedroom floor talking about this happening in college, this happening in my relationships, this happening in my self-worth. And just coming to this implosion point of, I wish there was a guide for navigating these emotions, these temptations, these realities of, of what just life and relationships look like. And my mom being the <laugh>, I like to say she's randomly prophetic. Like when I met Arden on the first date, she was like, oh my goodness, you just met your future husband. Which be careful moms and dads if you say that, because you
Joey Odom (06:39):
Gotta carry a lot of weight that that can backfire. Yeah. Too, right? It
Christian Bevere (06:42):
Could, it could. But, um, I think moms really have a good awareness, <laugh> seeing into people. And she was right. Here we are. Um, but she also said, I think you're gonna write a book about this. Now, lo and behold, I did a journalism major, but writing a book was not on my scope. I would never have thought it was possible, but it took four years of writing and rewriting of, what would I say to my younger self or one of my younger siblings? Like, what are, especially for women, the things that we need to understand that we will face and how to face them well, and how to overcome them if we don't manage them well. And we're stuck in the cycle of shame, because for me, it kept me stagnant for years, even when I was walking in God's presence and his fullness. It just keeps you almost like a grasp and a shackle, uh, forgetting that he is sovereign, that there is grace, and then there is promise ahead, even when we fall short.
Joey Odom (07:39):
Yeah. I, um, it's in, it's an interesting, I have two questions I was gonna ask at the end, but I think it's a good time for, and one of them is you mentioned the vulnerability of writing a book. I mean, that's a, and to your point, you do get, and we don't, I think people should read the book to go into your, to your story. Um, but that is, you're, you're disclosing a lot. And to your point, you're putting it out in the world and like, it's like, world, I hope this helps, or I hope you like it, or, I hope you, I mean, and, and even, I mean, the book is coming out in, you know, in, in a couple of months or, or, um, from when we're recording this. But that's gotta feel a little, eh, like, you know, al almost, almost putting in some of those feelings that you describe here is that like, well, I hope this, I hope you love it. I hope you love me. I hope you can you talk about some of the emotion of, of what it feels like to write a book and put your own story out there, and then just hope it's helpful and hope that people like it all right. Maybe not like it, but better. But I mean, no, there, there is the human side of, I hope you like me, but the other side, I know you're doing this to help people. So maybe both, both of those things.
Christian Bevere (08:41):
Yeah. And I think in the Christian spectrum, it kind of goes hand in hand sometimes where you do have to separate it as well. I hope this is received well, and I hope it helps people. But even if it is just for the one that means 99, 9,000 people could dislike. But what is our, what's our purpose in releasing something? Is it obedience in releasing? Yeah. Or is it validation? Now I am a recovering passive aggressive <laugh> and perfectionist <laugh>. So, um, that is something that I constantly battle. I think the great benefit that I have is being able to see a lot of my family, <laugh> is in the book writing industry. Yeah. Uh, as a family business, I guess you could say. And I've seen them navigate those internal struggles as well. Um, and I've seen the realities that come with it. You know, some, my in-laws have written countless books.
I wanna say maybe it's close to 50 or 60 Wow. Combined. And there's some that are best sellers and there's some that, uh, flop and then take off. But I've seen them and their encouragement has been to stay consistent and remember the mission behind writing it. But as you said, I think again, specifically as women, uh, our hard is to be received well, especially when we are showing, so expose our heart and, um, our care for others. It's, it's not a small thing or even an easy thing to, to steward people Well, and I think that's why taking a different route or a different stab at it, when Paul talks about those that teach and those that lead and those that pastor have a greater accountability. It's not just, well watch out for what you say because God will judge you. But it's, you know, you say every word with care and with intention, and you have to be so focused on the person you're shepherding.
So as you write, as you're in relationships, as you parent, we constantly have to think on what we're outputting and in the tension of it coming out, remember the focus. Yeah. And it's easy, again, for shame to wanna say, oh, well, don't say that or only say it in a positive way. Um, even talking about family stuff, I had to think, what of this is going to be me blaming others? What if this is gonna be me easier to keep back instead of release? And it's a journey. One, I think that's very unique as we share our testimonies, but that's how we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. So it's important, and I put this later in the book too, but everyone has a testimony. I don't want any single person to think, well, if I'm not writing a book, my story doesn't matter. No, your story could change the life of your neighbor, the barista you interact with. So it's something I think we all need to, to work out and have practic in doing.
Joey Odom (11:16):
And that, that's a hard thing too, because we all know our, we, we're all a work in progress. We know we're work in progress. And so it's almost like, how do you know when it's the right time to tell your story? 'cause we don't, you know, we may mm-hmm. We're right in the middle of it all the time. So I'm curious about that. Like, how do you, and maybe people who feel slightly sheepish about sharing their story because they see their own faults and they see their own failures, and like, ah, my story's not good enough, or it's still being written. How do you know when is the right time to start sharing that story?
Christian Bevere (11:44):
Yeah, I think that's a really valid point. Unfortunately, we've seen some people, I think, share around a topic that they weren't ready to share around. Yeah. And it comes across unhelpful, um, because this person's still in the thick of figuring it out. And one thing I will say is a caveat to anyone learning from someone else or learning from their testimony is not, not to see that person as the epitome of perfection, of overcoming anxiety or overcoming this, but listening to, oh, God did this journey and this healing. If he can do that for them, that he can do it for me. Because his heart is to care. His heart is to heal. So I think that's the biggest thing is one, let's be more aware. In our receptive of receiving and listening to me, there's certain areas of my testimony that I thought years ago I could have shared, but there just either wasn't the prompting the grace, um, the allowance, what it may be. Again, four years of writing this book, I wrote about probably 50,000 words. And then my, my brilliant publisher was like, what if we did a different area of this, or different topics? Let's redo that. And I was like, do you know how hard it's <laugh>
Joey Odom (12:48):
Christian Bevere (12:48):
<laugh>? 10,000 words alone?
Joey Odom (12:51):
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for pouring out your heart. Yeah. That was really nice of you. But yeah, let's go different. Yeah. Right. Yeah.
Christian Bevere (12:56):
Talk about that vulnerability. Just like spit on it. It's fine, even saying it the nicest way. Um, but I believe like God speaks to all of us in different ways, and there's the alignment of relationships to, to highlight different things. So I have to fully wholeheartedly believe that what's in the book is what's meant to be in the book. Even if I cringe at some stuff and think I could have written that better, why did I say that? Why didn't I say that? Um, so that's kind of my roundabout way of doing that for myself. Well,
Joey Odom (13:24):
I love it because it, it's so consistent with, it's so consistent with the, with the theme, which is what you say early on is that everybody's broken. I mean, if we can, if we can acknowledge that, if you can acknowledge, even if you hear great advice or you know, you hear mm-hmm. You know, great advice, somebody, somebody's a lot of experience, you're still hearing it from a broken person. Um, mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And, and I would love to hear you as you're talking about it, I wanna hear about the title, and then maybe specifically within that, when you talk about something that broke you or being broken, how would you, how would you, um, define that for the reader? What brokenness means?
Christian Bevere (13:57):
Yeah. Isn't that fun? Would you, <laugh> would you just easily say that to your daughter? I love you. You're broken. It's okay.
Joey Odom (14:04):
A broken little sweet angel. Yeah. <laugh>.
Christian Bevere (14:07):
Say thank you. Uh, no, I, it <laugh>, chapter one was one of the last chapters I wrote. Wow. Because I, I knew in my heart, I wanna tackle this topic, I wanna talk about this. And essentially, as I was trying to get the title together, just brokenness kept coming up. And I was like, no one is gonna wanna read a book or even identify with being broken. Um, but I think that's part of it. Like, we are broken because we are apart from God. And part of understanding that is the allowance for freedom. Hmm. So we think of the journey of sanctification and justification. We have to admit that apart from God, we fall short, that we are sinners, that we need his grace in our life. And I think the same is true, is if we want to heal, continue to grow, whatever area it is, whatever background we're from, however old we are, there has to be an allowance of Well, there's still more ahead to achieve.
Yeah. And I talked about perfectionism earlier. <laugh> writing this book, when I wasn't in the perfect state to review, it was freeing for me in a lot of ways because there was no level of perfectionism that was able to be achieved. But there is a level of excellence. And in our brokenness, we can strive for excellence without thinking. It has to be perfect. Because perfectionism, again, I also think is tantalizing. Because how do you reach that mark? How do you become the perfect daughter, the perfect, uh, speaker, the perfect author, the perfect wife? There's just no way. But if I admit, okay, I'm broken, there's things I can learn to do better tomorrow, there's an allowance for growth. Hmm. I'll never be a perfect mom, a perfect wife. And to me, that is freeing to say, because it shows me, but I can keep learning how to do better Yeah. And be better for the people around me and for myself,
Joey Odom (15:53):
Really, I, I love that concept of just, you know, your brokenness, you know, seeking excellence. You can still seek excellence without perfection, which is a really fine line. It's almost like that <laugh> mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you could see a perfectionist using that as a weapon. Like, no, it's okay. It's, it's, I'm just seeking excellence. We're like, nah, you're still doing the perfectionist thing, aren't you?
Christian Bevere (16:10):
Self-awareness is so key <laugh>, when we talk about these things.
Joey Odom (16:14):
Well, and I also think there's a, there's a level of isolation for people when they, they see their own story and they believe that they're the only ones that are broken. And so you talk about the freedom in, in recognizing that everybody is broken. And, and I think, do you think that's, do you think that is a way that you begin to believe, one, maybe your story's not valid, or you can't share because you just think you're the only one that loneliness becomes mm-hmm. <affirmative> a, uh, a certain way for you to continue down that shame spiral?
Christian Bevere (16:41):
Absolutely. Isolation is one of the key ingredients for the enemy to use shame to decom, to combat anything that's good growing inside of us. I feel, I remember after I married Arden, so many girls coming up to me and just being, you know, asking the question of how did you get a ve how did you get, uh, a holy and moly guy <laugh>, after we were saying like, what do you do? What is the X, Y, Z to get the happy ending? And usually they think, well, doing this, being a good Christian girl, you know, all the things that we project onto, we have to be perfect at. Yeah. And I would just, it, it baffled me at first because I thought, who, who is that girl that does everything right to get the happy ending? Does it ever really work out that way? Especially in dating to do everything right.
And it almost restarted a shame loop of, okay, I knew I'd came out of broken relationships, broken image, broken definition of love, and I found a God-fearing guy, holy and walked out. So many of the promises that God whispered to me, uniquely, again, there's more in that of that in the book, but got to this point of living in what I call a promise of a happy marriage, marrying to a great man. And then the shame cycle comes back up of, well, you didn't do everything right. Mm. Why do you deserve this? Shouldn't someone else be in your shoes instead of you? And the isolation factor, I just put that all back in and it picked up different roots that I hadn't fully weeded out. And I think that's, with shame, we really have to be aware of what roots, because it only takes one foothold for the enemy to grow something, and to pull on that in so many different ways.
And it becomes so weedy that we have to know what are the footholds, what am I still holding onto? And for me, it was that image of not being enough, and that festered and grew until one day I was driving and I just said, God, this is like, this isn't right. I shouldn't be in this relationship. I shouldn't be allowed to be happy. Like, do you know all the things I've done? And he just <laugh> as I feel God is a comedic gentleman. He was like, okay, show me the girl that's never messed up. Huh? I was like, I don't, I don't know her, but she's probably like this blonde, beautiful, perfect. She's not a brunette because I'm a brunette. And, uh, he was like, Christian, that girl, this is not exist. Like everyone needs my grace. Everyone needs me. And again, that freedom of realizing I'm broken and we all are allowed me to think, okay, anytime I feel shame, that is a reminder for me to remember, wow, God healed me from that God forgave my sins.
God showed me a way to overcome what I thought would overcome me. And I really felt like there's a double portion blessing when it comes to shame. If we get out of isolation, we voice it one first with God, because he's gonna be able to speak to us the most intimately and profoundly. And, um, I don't wanna say clever, but accurate to who we are, but then also with our friends around us that can call out the gold. Because when we feel the shame prongs, uh, we wanna retreat, we wanna hide, we wanna think, this is a dirty part of me. I can't let it show, or people won't love me, but there are people that love you no matter who you are. And they will say, that's not right. Or if it is something that you're perpetuating, let's get out of that. Yeah. 'cause I see more in you.
Joey Odom (20:09):
Yeah. And that's so good for, for people to, for, for, to have that circle of people around you who can, whether it's in, in encouragement, Justin Whit Miller Earley talks about friends, being friends, encouraging. So when they see, they see something that you should continue to do, that's when the encouragement comes in. And then the rebuke for them to be able to say, like, see something that's leading you towards a danger, a dangerous spot where they can, they can speak that rebuke to you. And so to your point, having those people around you can do both of those things is so valuable. Um, I want to, again, I wanna start with, and you, you hit on such, I mean, there's such poignant topics, just regret, shame, comparison, and breaking up with regret. Im, I'm curious, I talked with Jamie Ivy about this recently on the, I grew up in the nineties, just so the purity culture of the nineties.
And, and it's for those who are listening, there was a definite cringe on Christian's face. And, and I think the, again, very well intended, but it, it became this, you, you know, you're, you're a version or you're not. And so then it's like mm-hmm. <affirmative>, one or the other. And it was such, it was such a, you know, I think a, a, a misguided, well-intentioned, misguided message. And I want, I wanna dig into a quote that you have in the book that I thought was really, really strong. And talking about sex. You said, and you talk about the purity messages we're sending. You said, when we put a label on something so valuable, we can make the young girls afraid of intimacy or in withholding the truth that sex is good within God's intention for it. We can awaken an eagerness in some to prematurely find out how good it is. So how in the heck do I parents a 13 year old girl <laugh>? That's my question, Christian. What do I do now? <laugh> <laugh>.
Christian Bevere (21:50):
Send her my way. Joey, have
Joey Odom (21:51):
A good heart. I'm, we're gonna have her like a week at Christian camp in Nashville here. What do I do?
Christian Bevere (21:57):
Oh my goodness.
Joey Odom (21:59):
You know, a gang ro is for the babies too. We got an email from Julie in Texas. Julie said, my husband and I have an 11 month old son, and we were looking for help in setting a new family culture as he grows. Thank you for building such a great product. That's a fun one because Ro really does represent your family culture. And what Julie's doing is they're using it for her and her husband to be an example, even before their child can talk or walk of the family culture they're going to have. So I love those stories. If you're looking to set a good family culture, we'd love for you to consider Ro, just go to go ro.com
Christian Bevere (22:35):
Sent a valid question. And you know what's funny is the book was almost called Misguided. 'cause that was, oh, really? Almost the premise of what I felt of like, I had good intentions, there were people leading me with good messages, but it all fell short. And when I think around the nineties, early two thousands is, especially in Christianity, it was a heightened, this is the mark. Not quite legalistic, but here's the ideal. Yeah. And if you fall short, you're dirt. You gotta figure it out. And again, like we're saying, part of that is true. Like, we fall short, we're broken, we need to get back to the standard. And the image got created for us. But the messaging was fear invoking, I think, rather than, uh, glorifying. So when I realized that my relationship with Christ is relationship, uh, similar to how our relationships with our spouses is like, well, what is the best, purest, most, um, radiant version of this relationship?
And how do I reciprocate that into my other relationships? It was a manner of striving for something instead of fearing, um, becoming less than I was supposed to be. And then now what I'm seeing perpetuated, which is very just saddening to, is almost an anti shame world. Yes. Where if you feel it, it's okay. Um, you know, run with your heart, follow your heart. Whatever you feel is in there for a reason, but it's so not true. And those are two very, uh, drastic areas to navigate sexuality. And without going full depth on that, I actually am recording a, a podcast with a Christian sex therapist, <laugh> soon. Interesting. And I thought, man, there aren't so many questions that could come around this. What if I just ask my audience the questions they have? And so many women, even my age, were asking that same question of, I've heard sex is bad my whole life.
How do you just magically turn it on? Or, I've heard this purity message for so long that I'm terrified, um, to be intimate with my husband one day, even if our relationship is pure. And so what I, and again, I have a son, and we're not even close to the birds and the bees talk <laugh>, but when I think about it, and what we try to model now is a healthy form of God's version of intimacy, of love, of desire. And I think about, um, passion being almost like a fire. And in our culture, at least, we live for the high and low moments. There is no real resiliency. It's what can I live for the next high? Or if I feel a low, I just, I'm not comfortable even to sit in this area. Everything needs to be heightened. But when we live at a peaceful moment in our regular lives, it's, well, I'm enjoying my day.
I, you know, there's the mundane, ambi, glorious, and taking it all as it is and enjoying it. And with our sexuality, I think it needs to reciprocate the flows, the ebbs and flows of life. So I have a passion that I look forward to. It's not this lustful rip your clothes off. Like, that's not love. That's lust. Right. So if we look forward to, I can look forward to sex, and you're teaching your daughters, we look forward to sex as something that is unifying a husband and wife. It's something that compliments a commitment. Now I see so many of my friends, well, so many people that are my peers have a non-committal version of intimacy that they strive for. And it's, you know, it, it's high, high is, it's very passionate and it's exciting and it's a chase, but there's no commitment. Yeah. There's nothing that's lasting with it. But what is lasting is that shame. Hmm. And so I think if we can teach people to look forward to not run away from having sex Yeah. Uh, or not to try to obtain for purity, but to get, not heightened, but increasing excitement for, there's a type of bonding agent that you get to have that helps you, um, understand just how precious of a gift marriage is. So I think if we can kind of, that's a complicated, and it's a complicated topic. It's not straightforward, but, well,
Joey Odom (26:41):
That's why I like it, because it, because it is so nuanced, and it's not a, again, back to the, I think in, in maybe how I grew up, it was, or in that generation it was, you have one talk with your kids and that's it. And that answers all the questions.
Christian Bevere (26:54):
Joey Odom (26:54):
Everything. Yeah. You get it, right. You have the birds and the bees conversation, the talk that's one of, you know, singular the talk. And so I think, I think your answer there is, is illustrates the fact that it's something that you need to have an open dialogue about. It's something, yeah. It is something continually, because it's nuanced, because there's a lot to it. It's just something you, you can, if you can keep that open door, I do think that's a really important, um, way to address it by just having an ongoing conversation, recognizing all the, all the complication to it.
Christian Bevere (27:20):
Yeah. And I'll say one more thing. I think the modeling that you show with your wife to your daughter is huge. Because what we're seeing, um, in media is the heightened version at the Lus. Yeah. And the one night stands and the, what did he say? She say? And it's like a festering. But when we show committed long lasting, steady forms of love, I can't tell you how, how, um, significant that is in the eyes of children and teenagers. Yeah. Even if they don't act like it is, or they act first sale by it <laugh>.
Joey Odom (27:49):
Exactly. Which they do. Yeah. I, i, it related to that within the, the regret chapter, the, um, you have another line that related to dating. It says, dating should be a time, not for exploration, but for examination. Will you expound on that a little bit?
Christian Bevere (28:06):
Sure. And I, I'm sad that I'm almost verbalizing, I process so much better written forms, so I'm not trying to just tell all your followers to go get the books.
Joey Odom (28:15):
No. I'll tell them, this
Christian Bevere (28:15):
Is even enjoyable. <laugh>, the book is far better. You read soundbites, it's like, oh, yeah, that's what I meant when I just spent five minutes talking about it. <laugh>. Um, but for dating, I think examination versus exploration, when we go into dating of, I'm gonna find out this person, the more intimate I get with them, or I'm gonna find myself through how they treat and validate me, it's almost a recipe for disaster. Because when we go into dating, essentially we're evaluating who is this person? Who am I, and how do we compliment each other? But rarely do, do I ever hear that as the portrayal of dating. It's Right. Well, what does he do? How does he make you feel? Who is he friends with? And it's all of this, what can I gain and put on my own plate from this relationship? Then we get married and things become you and I, and it's no longer, well, what does he bring to the table?
What does he do? To me? It's what do we do together? And what are we building? What are we creating? And many millennials, I think, are finding themselves two to three down years down the road and bored or confused why it's hard, confused why, um, it's no longer exciting. Or they can't really show off their, their spouse as much. And even in high school, I remember friends saying like, oh, so-and-so's dating so-and-so, and it's just like this, it's like a bragging right. Game. Yeah. Or it's, um, you know, I, I'm following them leading. And I think dating has turned into copycat marriage. Like it's no longer, um, courtship. Courtship is you're evaluating, you are seeing who this person is, and then you're making a commitment. But now we see people living together or dating for five plus years. I mean, Arden and I are the crazy people that dated very short and had an even shorter engagement <laugh>, uh, because we just decided, you know, if we're going to be in a relationship, we're gonna be in a relationship. If we're going to care about each other and do live together, we're gonna do it, actually. And when we blur the lines and we try to put who someone is to validate who we are, we're no longer dating. We are using that person essentially without going too stern into it. Wow. Um, but I think if we go into dating as, uh, examination, who are you? What do you believe? What do you stand up for? How do you treat others? We can actually have marriages that, that last the test of time.
Joey Odom (30:47):
That's, that's a soundbite right there. That was, that is really, really great. Um, I didn't expect, when in reading this book, I didn't expect you to talk about Scooby-Doo, but you did <laugh>, which I loved, but by the way, this may have been my favorite part. This is in the breakup with the anxiety chapter. This may have been my favorite part. It just made so much sense. It's like all of my childhood memories of watching Scooby do made so much more sense. Will you, will you go into that illustration, especially as it relates to fear and anxiety? It's, it's, it's really, really great <laugh>
Christian Bevere (31:17):
Yes. And I didn't expect to be asked about Scooby-Doo today, but here we're, yeah. I talk about Scooby-Doo, and I grew up watching it as well. I have a thing for mysteries mm-hmm. <affirmative>, something about being able to figure them out. And the curiosity, maybe it was just because I watched KBB do growing up, but I talk about how it's always neat that there's a similar premise in each episode. And that is the mystery gang comes up against this stranger or villain, and they have to exploit them for who they truly are. And it's always often not even, um, the type of person, the, the route that they were chasing them, uh, under, essentially they unmask that villain for who they truly are. Now, they may be posing as a mummy or a scientist or whoever it is, but they take off a mask and they say, oh, it's Mr.
So and So-and-so, or it's blank down the street. It's always someone that is less scary than they thought they would be, and often someone they know. So I feel like as we encounter our anxieties and our fears, we need to unmask what we're afraid of. Because often it's less fearful. It's less scary, it's less mysterious than we're posing it to be, but it's the, the fear and the running away and the unsurety and the lack of control that makes our circumstances, uh, overpowering and debilitating to us. But when we know we have the weapons we need, and God has already given us what we need to one, live this life out, well, to not be bound by any of our fears, any of the enemy schemes, just relying on him and walking in the fullness of who we are is the force we need to, to make it through each day, to live this life well, to finish well.
So I like to encourage people. And you know, it, it's almost weird to me that I wrote one chapter on anxiety, because today it is such a big conversation. Yeah. But I even preface this of, this isn't going to be a roundabout conversation around anxiety, but it is gonna be a tool to navigating your daily fears, your daily anxieties, even just your worries and your stresses. I mean, I think our generation is the most stressed out generation of any preceding it. And a lot of that I think is just wanting so much control and wanting to have all the answers and thinking things are heightened when they're really not. But if we take the mask off and take the veil and realize, you know, I, I'm Christian. I'm one person doing one thing one day at a time. It's such a rhythm. Um, just to live and to walk in a peaceful life.
Joey Odom (33:56):
And, and then to, and to your point, to, to expose it to, to really, it, it takes that, that self-examination to know what it is that I'm, what it, what is it that I'm feeling, and then mm-hmm. <affirmative> to, to your point, the, the line I love, um, in the book it says, the, the mystery gang never defeated any monster they came up against. They exposed them. And so it's, you, you, you feel all this, you know, you may feel anxiety, but oftentimes if you examine it, and if you look at it, and then you can put a name to it, and then you break it down, you realize, oh, that's not, that's not what I thought it was, or mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I can do something about that. I really like that as a tool. And it's, it's, it's a really strong one. In, in, in the same chapter, you talk about, uh, you talk about women using their voice, and Yeah. Again, this is just me sitting on, you know, the, the couch here with you as my therapist. But tell me, tell me about what that process of a, of a young woman, of a woman finding her voice, that, that mm-hmm. Finding that voice. What is, what is that? Like, what is that? What should that, and maybe how can we as parents be helpful guides into that process for them?
Christian Bevere (35:00):
Yeah. I love that you're asking that and that the level of care and curiosity you have as a parent. I think that is, um, again, we're all growing be Yeah. Can, it's because I'm a
Joey Odom (35:10):
Crappy, that's, it
Christian Bevere (35:10):
Can be be <laugh>. No, it's, uh, it's just wanting to do better and be better. But, uh, again, do not have the qualifications to be anyone's therapist <laugh>. I can be, I can be a friendly, Ooh, this was what I did wrong. Learn from me. I think women, having the voice is invaluable. Uh, in the chapter I talk about how the greatest defense we have is our voice. We think we have to carry a gun or pepper spray. And if you do those things, power to you. But the most powerful thing, the most readily available tool that you have in your arsenal is your voice. And they say, if someone attacks you, scream, yell for fire. They're not expecting a woman often to be able to combat them, and it catches them off guard. So I think we can do this one with the enemy, continue to use our voice, use our testimony.
But in another vein of that, a woman, a woman having her voice is knowing who she is, knowing how to speak from a place of authenticity. I think back to my high school days and dating and friendships and, um, accolades I was even striving for. So much of it started with I know who I am. I know what, uh, I'm designed for. I know what my talents are, I know what my purpose is. And the more I listened to other people's voices that weren't God spoken or weren't good examples, the less I knew who I was. So my voice started to reciprocate and sound like other people I'd heard, huh, well, that's not something that's cool. That's not who you should be hanging out with. And so my voice started to sound like something that I didn't actually understand. And when we're speaking and doing things out of character, we are running off course.
We're running with no guidelines, we're running with no guidebook. And it's damaging to us. It's damaging to others. And I know that feels like hard and heavy to anyone listening, but it's just a real reality. And again, unmasking, what are the repercussions of me not knowing who I am? Oh, what are the repercussions of me just following my feelings or, or the whims that I have? Like, your feelings are valid, but they're not a trajectory. Your identity, your foundation, that's what determines your voice. And so I would say to anyone, and if I could go back to like eighth grade Christian that's interested in writing and books, um, a lot of that I tuned out because people weren't sitting at home reading. They were texting their friends and going to parties. I didn't wanna feel left out. I didn't wanna feel unlovable or undesirable. So what did I do?
I put everything that was really intricate to who God wanted me to be aside and truly lovable. I think about me in order to be loved for a second, or feel love from other people. And it's, you know, God redeems all things. And part of the subtitle of the book is How God rewrites your Story. Because I believe he did, uh, rebirth some of the desires and passions that were, uh, left dormant by my teenage self. He, he brought them back to life in a way that only he could. But there's so many years that I just think that was so wasted. How much more, um, in tune with myself could I have been? How many more people could I have reached? How many, um, how much better could my relationships with my parents or my friends be if I had listened to the voice God put inside of me, rather than the voices of people that just wanted me to be something for them?
Joey Odom (38:37):
Mm Gosh. That hits Christian. That, that's that the whole, the notion I wrote it down. You, you set aside what was lovable about you in an effort to be loved by others for a moment. Mm-hmm. Man. And, and that's, I, I'd like that just what, what do you, what was, what was unique to you? What was special about you? And being able to embrace that, identify it for a young girl, to identify that and then embrace it, and then have the courage. I mean, it does, it requires a heck, a lot of, a heck of a lot of courage to, to walk out confidently the things that make you unique. Um, because we downplay, we downplay what's unique to us. And I think a lot of times because, because it's, because it comes naturally to us. We think that it's natural to everyone, which it's not.
And so mm-hmm. <affirmative>, then as a result and doing it, then recognizing that's, that's something that's unique within you. And then it does require that courage to go walk it out. Yeah. That's really good. Um, uh, I wanted to, there, there are other, I'm just gonna tease 'em out, breaking up with comparison, breaking up with shame. So good. I want to talk about a subset, just because this is, this is my lane here on it, but on the chapter, breaking up with the myth of enough, you talk specifically about putting down your phone, which is what our company does. So you knew Yeah. You probably wrote that for me. But <laugh>, will you, will you talk, will you talk about that, the, the value of doing that and how that relates to that myth of enough?
Christian Bevere (39:59):
Yeah. I love that you guys touch on it. And it is something I think is, um, specific to each person. Of course, I am, I'm on social media. A lot of what I do, it's on my phone, but there is a fine line. And, uh, even for me, I talked about stress earlier. When I get to a point of feeling like I have to do, do, do and consume, that's usually a good flag for me of, okay, we need to take a break. We need to put our phone aside. We recently went to Florida, and I can't tell you how many times I was like, I dunno where my phone is, but it's okay. <laugh>. So, um, for me, it's something in practice, I am trying to be more present over trying to be a perfectionist. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And that is some messy moments that I see more beauty in.
Now as I lean into presence over perfection, usually if something was going wrong, I would get stressed and think, this isn't gonna turn out right, I'm missing the mark, I need to do this. But as I lean into presence, again, almost unmasking, I'm realizing, well, that's not really a big a deal, or I can easily go to plan B. Even getting ready today, uh, getting ready for the podcast, I was trying to do my hair. And my son is in the adorable stage where he just like pulls in my pants legs and is like, mama. I'm like, I'm just, I can't hold you and curl my hair, but it's okay. We'll, we'll pause. We will be present. I know that you need so much of me. Your brain is developing so much at this young age. Um, and so I just stopped getting ready for a second half dressed, like half makeup and hair done.
And he loves playing hide and seek. So I would just run and, and he'd catch me. And it's, he has the biggest smile on his face. But as I was doing that, um, we have sprayed our house for bugs. And this is a little funny moment, but, um, some spiders are still finding their way in. And my, my husband and I hate that. So we're playing hide and seek. I'm trying to get ready. I know that, you know, we only 30 minutes before the podcast starts, but I knew, okay, he just needs me. I'm about to be on an hour long podcast. I can take five minutes to be present with him. Mm. And as I'm playing hide and seek in our room, I see a, a spider coming in and I'm able to kill it. If I would've been rushing and trying to get everything in on my phone, like I would've missed that impeding danger of that spider.
And it's a laughable moment. But I think that's, it's true to how we live our lives. If we're so focused on the next thing, and one we're gonna miss out on developing bonds with our children that will help them when they come up to these shame cycles, to developing relationships. Um, my mom is a hero of sorts to me, because she worked so hard. Uh, she worked two to three jobs when we were growing up. She still coached, uh, our tennis teams. Like she did so much. And some of that was sacrifices she had to make. But I also see as, as we're doing so much, I could have put more of an emphasis on our relationship. Um, and again, time was just, was taken from her. We get that there's no one's fault for it. Yeah. But there's so much in relationships that I'm like, Hmm.
If I would've been more present with my family, I probably wouldn't have had to navigate this. And as parents, if we are taking the time of just being aware, you know, you don't have to get rid of your phone, you don't want to sell your company and just stay at home every day. But there are moments and key invitations, I think, to developing bonds with our children, with our spouse, with our friends, to really be grounded. And if we are constantly striving for perfectionism, being on our phone, being too busy to care, we're gonna miss out on moments and have more repercussions, I think because of it.
Joey Odom (43:27):
I think we just found the newest ro spoke ro spokesperson that you nailed it. That's so good.
Christian Bevere (43:32):
Spiders. And in hide and seek <laugh> <laugh>
Joey Odom (43:34):
Spiders. Well, that'd be your next book. Spiders in Hide and Seek. There go. Um, everybody needs to go pick up the book. It's, it's out August 15th. Um, I, I wanna segue just briefly to your podcast. I, I touched on it on the intro, the Dear Future Husband podcast, which is you. Um, it's all, it's a lot about, you know, str you say strategic singleness and positioning yourself for a thriving marriage. Will you talk just a little bit about podcast? Plug it a little bit. It's, it's really, really great and, uh, very clear and you get a lot more of, of the goodness you're giving us right here.
Christian Bevere (44:06):
Absolutely. And it's a pleasure to speak with you today because my heart is to help the younger generation, especially with women, to not, again, make the mistakes I've made, but just know more in tunely who they are, what they're worth, and how to have those healthy, healthy relationships and not the toxic ones. No one wants to have <laugh> Dear Future husband came out of ways that I prayed for art in when I was single and really used this, um, uh, the word I want to use had a guide of something that felt like I have my relationship as something to pray into, even when I feel single and I'm missing out on everything, which is a common, common, it's a commonality of anyone that's single, uh, even young of, well, so-and-so is being loved, and they're in a relationship. What do I have or who's validating me?
Pray for your future relationship. Put in the, the betterment of being your best self. Now, if, or it does or doesn't happen, but steward that even in your singleness. So it's conversations around, um, how to understand your identity, how to prepare for marriage, how to not have toxic security culture, but, um, healthy image of intimacy. And so we cover a lot of conversations like that. Things that I don't think are talked about enough. Yeah. Um, at least in the female to female scope. And it's a, a pleasure to get to do that with the women on my community. So I hope anyone listening will join or, or send their daughters my way. Yeah. I love to be their friend.
Joey Odom (45:29):
Yeah. What would be, what That's actually, that's an interesting question. When, when, what's a good lower age range for someone to listen to that?
Christian Bevere (45:39):
Joey Odom (45:39):
Again, this is just me asking therapy. Shouldn't should anybody listen to <laugh>
Christian Bevere (45:43):
<laugh>, you know, probably five years ago, I would say like 18 and older, but nowadays, I would say 12 or 13 year olds. Yeah. Because we, we post hard conversations in a way that's not, um, sexualized. Yeah. Or indecent, but it's preparatory. At least that's the aim. Uh, there's so much that we come up against. I mean, we even just did a YouTube video on should you shop at Target or not? And it blew up. 'cause people were like, do we know, do we put our kids in areas where they're going to see images and conversations they're not ready for? And I think a lot of that is stewarding your home, but also just readying your arsenal with tools of, I understand this in a healthy way. We're not awakening love before the right time, but we're having an understanding of what love is. So, yeah. Um, yeah. That's great. I'll hang out with your daughter
Joey Odom (46:30):
<laugh>. Heck yeah. I'm, no, I'm sending her over. Um, so, uh, the last question I I, I prepped you for this a little bit, but, um, we're all about intentionality, inspiring people towards intentionality, given the tools towards intentionality, what would you say are, are some of your top intentions right now? The things that you're, you're working on for yourself?
Christian Bevere (46:47):
Yeah. Which I, I really admire that you guys do that, and it's not always an easy thing. So thank you for, uh, reminding us all to be intentional. My one intention I mentioned is being more present over perfectionist. Uh, to me, that takes on different scopes in my work and my household. Something that's really pointed to me right now, especially launching a first book, it's not always New York Times bestseller, but it is, again, the stewardship. And something I'm trying to remember is, am I gonna be faithful with the people and the projects that God has given me? Or am I constantly just going to ask for more? Going back to social media, it's hard to not take the number game into account or take other's accolades and think we're missing the mark. But just remembering what God has for you and what he calls you to, he asks you to be faithful to.
Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, he's not going to increase, um, or add on to something that you're not stewarding well. So I'm trying to be more, um, present and faithful with what I have in front of me. Some days that is just my 10 month old and we're just, you know, doing bath time and reading books, but, and then some days it's joining podcasts with you and, and speaking to women. So being present where I am, not worrying about the other moments, but doing the best is what I can. That's probably my biggest intention right now. And it's not always easy. I wanna say that as, as a caveat, but intentionality wouldn't, um, be a thing if it was easy,
Joey Odom (48:11):
Right? Yeah, exactly. Um, so people need to go listen to Dear Future Husband podcast. They need to go by, we're gonna launch this episode August 8th, one week before the book launches on August 15th. So everybody go get a copy of breakup with what Broke You. Go to christian bevere.com. Follow, uh, Christian on Instagram at Mrs. Christian Bevere. What'd I miss? Yes. Did that, did I nail it all?
Christian Bevere (48:35):
I think you got it all. If not, that's just, it's a lot of things we can leave them with that. Don't need to overwhelm them.
Joey Odom (48:40):
We'll put all this in the show notes. And Christian, I wanna say something to you here at the end, as the, the dad of a 13 year old girl, and just as somebody who cares about people, I just want to, I just want to thank you for the message you're sending and I wanna encourage you with this. Keep saying it, keep saying it again and again, and again and again. And even when you start, feel feeling like you sound like a broken record or if I said this before, keep saying it again and again. You can't, so the the things that you say you can't say enough. And, um, thank you for, for the message you have. Thank you for saying it over and over. And I just wanna encourage you, just keep saying it. And thank you for this book.
Christian Bevere (49:19):
Thank you, Joey. That really hits home. It means a lot and, um, puts some fire under my wing. So <laugh>, I appreciate that.
Joey Odom (49:27):
Absolutely. Christian, thank you so much for joining us this week on The Aro Podcast. So many great soundbites from Christian Bevere. One I wanna highlight specifically, and this is when we were talking about a young woman finding her voice. She said when she was younger, she set aside what was lovable about herself in an effort to be loved by others. I really like that because it's so easy for us to set aside those lovable things about ourselves, the unique things about ourselves. So I wanna encourage you this week, don't set aside what's lovable and unique about yourself, just for the adoration of others. Very grateful for Christian, for her openness, her vulnerability, her honesty. In this book and in this interview, go get a copy of Breakup with What Broke You. Again, that's out one week from the air date today. Go get a copy of that and check our socials for a giveaway of the book. Thank you so much for being here with us this week on The Aro Podcast. We can't wait to see you again next week. The Aro Podcast is produced and edited by the team at Palm Tree Pod Co. Special thanks to Emily Miles for video and digital support, and to our executive producer, Aro's own, Katelyn Farley.