#11 - Rebekah Lyons shares the five rules for building a resilient life
Watch the Conversation
Joey Odom (00:00):
Hey everyone, it's Joey. Before we jump into the show, I wanna remind you of something. It is Mother's Day season. We're days and weeks away from Mother's Day. It's crunch time, but I got good news and I got messages for both dads and moms. So to the dads out there, I spoke with your wife. She wants you to be more present with her and with the kids. She wants you to put down your phone and be fully engaged in the moment. She wants more closeness and intimacy. And the greatest thing you could give her is a membership to Aro not for her to use, but for you to use. So you can put down your phone, disengage from work, and be fully present with her. And by the way, she wants you to initiate that and give her that and tell her it's for her so that you'll be fully present with her.
Moms, we know you want your kids to have healthy relationship with their phones, and we know you want your husband to be closer with you, so it's your day. You can make all the rules. So tell your husband this is what you want for Mother's Day, all I want is a membership to Aro. And both of you, dads and moms both. If you go to goaro.com, enter mothersday at checkout, you get a free month on a prepaid, annual or a two-year membership to Aro. So just go to goaro.com, enter mothersday at checkout on a prepaid, annual, or a two-year membership and you get a free month. Thanks so much. Hope you have a great Mother's Day, and please enjoy this week's episode of The Aro Podcast.
Rebekah Lyons (01:23):
We are hardwired for movement, but instead we're the most sedentary generation and the most isolated gener generation. And both of those have began most dominantly in the 15 years since the invention of the iPhone. So it's unfortunate that this is, I'm not hating technology, it's helping us have this conversation right now. We just need to understand that we are, we are beta testing a new version of humanity, and the outcomes are not looking that good.
Joey Odom (01:59):
Welcome back to The Aro Podcast. It's Joey Odom, co-founder of Aro. And I just had a great conversation with Rebekah Lyons. You know, Rebekah Lyons, author, podcaster, speaker, you probably follow on the socials today, May 2nd when this episode launches. Her book releases her new book, building a Resilient Life, how Adversity Awakens, strength, hope and meaning. By the way, check our socials. We're gonna do some giveaways of this book, and you're gonna love the conversation. She teases out a lot of these concepts of, of adversity and resilience and how to practice resilience. Resilience being a daily act, not just something that you are or become. And she teases out at the end, five rules for building a Resilient Life. You're gonna want to hear those. You're gonna wanna pick up the book as well. For now. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy my conversation with Rebekah Lyons. Rebekah Lyons, you're just, thank you for, for being on The Aro Podcast. We're really excited. This, I got super excited preparing for this because resilience something that I'm working on all the time and it's something for my kids that we're really trying to instill. And so it just hit me through. And the great thing for me is I don't have to do any of the research now. You've done it for us. So thank you so <laugh>, I'm excited about.
Rebekah Lyons (03:12):
That to me is very grateful for that compliment, <laugh>.
Joey Odom (03:16):
Absolutely. It's very fun. So I want, I wanna dive into your new book. So May 2nd, your book releases your newest book, building a Resilient Life, how Adversity Awakens, strength, hope, and Meaning. Will you tell us about the title and subtitle? Just dive right into it in here about this, the, the title and the subtitle, both subtitles, really rich.
Rebekah Lyons (03:37):
Oh yeah. Well, I really was researching adversity. That's how this all began. I just walked, you know, a lot of people walking through really hard things. And I've touched on grief and suffering and things in prior books. I mean, I had panic disorder 12 years ago, and that was my first kind of reckoning with trial. That was big. I mean, I wouldn't say my first, obviously I, I had a son with Down syndrome in my twenties and then panic disorder in my thirties, and my dad passed in my forties. And so there's, we've all known pain, like that's, that's not new information. But what I found was that in the last three years with Covid, I think we were all, I was, I realized I wasn't as resilient as I thought. And I, uh, resilience is on a continuum. It's not a fixed state like that person's resilience or that person's resilient and that person's not.
It's actually really more that person's demonstrating resilience in this season because they're actually putting the tools or the rules of resilience that I talk about in the book into their life. And so it just, like the rhythms book was very much like, if you're not doing this, if you're not like mental health, this is not a theory, it's a practice. So if you're not doing these things, you're going to start to see fall out. And this is not me just giving everybody marching orders, but what it is more is to give a framework, like these are the building blocks for a resilient life. And so that's why I wanted it to be called building a resilient life. Like we're always a in process, we're a work in progress. And when trial or trauma comes, how we respond is very much indicated on what have we set in place prior to that, what have we been paying attention to?
Have we been honest? And so the building I love because it means, it's just like rhythm. It's like, it's just a life. It's the life that you're living, um, that you're gonna continue to live in a certain way because it's the way you see the world and it's the way you believe that with faith, that God is like, Jesus says, in this world you will have trouble, but take heart. I've overcome the world. So there's this understanding that we're gonna experience so much pain, so much loss, so much. And I, and I just start the book talking about ambiguous loss, right? Pauline boss coined that phrase back in the eighties, that the ambiguous loss was almost like lost without an end date. Um, maybe you would have, um, chronic loss. What, you know, for me, I start the book with a story of my son at 22 years old with Down syndrome and having the hardest year of his life and my hardest year as a mother in 22 years.
And I wouldn't have saw that coming. But Covid had a part of that isolation, bringing, moving, changing schools, bringing a new baby sister home from China, kind of just upending everything for, for a largely non-verbal young man who didn't have a category for that or a way to even communicate that. And so it just kind of set me back on a journey of going, wow, I don't even know how to be what he needs because I'm realizing that his spiral is creating my spiral. And it was just such a grace, honestly, for God to meet me in that place and go, I'm not as resilient as I thought I was. Even though I have had hard things. I mean, we've, all resilience grows when you have this kind of steady incremental growth of, of novelty, right? Like kids venture out and it's a little nerve.
It, it, it like yeah, activates their stress response cuz it's new and they've never done it. And then they, but they have the care and compassion of a caregiver and cheering them on like parents, like, you, you did it. Yay. Now then they retreat and then they feel a little more confident and the next day they, they march back out a little further. Yay, you did it. We're here, keep going. And then you, so novelty is a very good thing. It builds resilience, but you have to do it in measured doses and you have to do it with the people who love you and support you encouraging you. Um, and so it's, you wanna activate that stress response. That's the only way you build resilience. Uh, you wanna do hard things, you just need to do 'em in measured ways consistently so that resilience can grow.
And what happened with 2020 is we went from zero to a hundred overnight and there was no measured way to approach resilience, which is why so many tweens, quite frankly were, I had suicidal, I ideation one and three within about 12 weeks, they went from all to nothing. We all, it's a global pandemic. Everyone go home, everyone shut down, everyone isolate, everyone sit on your hands. You have no agency to make affect change. Just be fearful, right? Yeah. And so I think what that did for so many of us is that we, um, we felt powerless. We lost agency and it was the first global crisis where mental health declined than any other war. I I just did history. Like in, in, in past wars, mental health would increase because it would give people a sense of solidarity, a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, a sense of honor.
And this time it just sent us the opposite direction because we were isolated and alone and the terms kept changing and we had no agency to affect any of that. And so that really set me on this long journey of doing research on the brain and trauma and what we're made of and what we're capable of and why we're here. And when we're acting with agency and we make meaning, and I'll go through those rules shortly, then all of a sudden we're back on track. We're able to look at covid differently or look at a global pandemic differently or look at, um, parenting, raising resilient kids differently. We, we, we have more information now that we know what to do with.
Joey Odom (09:28):
How would you, it's interesting you talk about the, the quick on the fast onset of covid and how that we weren't prepared for it. I don't know how it would be hard to prepare for that in general, but do you think because it was so quick, was it because it was so fast, was it even harder to build resilience through it because it was so, so fast of an onset? Does does that make sense?
Rebekah Lyons (09:46):
Yeah. Because if you, if you go into a massive trauma quickly, um, it's like a school shooting, right? Like you're in survival fight or flight, like oversensitivity stress response, right? As you should, I mean, that's an appropriate response. Your body is acting as if you're being held at gunpoint, that amygdala goes off the fight, flight or freeze goes off like you're in survival mode. And quite frankly, you do okay in that mode. It's when the release happens that you crash and you realize how much you were holding it together. And so that's why 2021 got harder than 2020. Yeah. Um, and even 22, like things are going back to normal. But why do, why am I languishing? Why do I feel lost? Why do I not know what to do with what just happened? Uh, that's really, uh, the body is just acting as it should.
The brain is doing, the brain goes into hypervigilance mode because the adrenaline begins, the cortisol is shooting the stress home. You are activating that stress response. The problem is it was prolonged for two years, right? So imagine having a panic attack on an elevator for two years. Like you're not supposed. Your brain is not supposed to feel that, that like just high alert vigilance, hyper vigilance for that long again, to build resilience, you're supposed to have small, steady doses of like stress response in conditioned ways with support. And then that's like athletics, that's performance. That's like stepping foot on a stage. I mean, this is a good thing. Kids are taught resilience in school just by being on a sports team and having to practice and do hard things or public speaking or learn an instrument or vocals. Like all that develops resilience because it's this patterned consistent pushing yourself just enough to learn a little bit more, to grow a little bit more, to gain a little more confidence, retreat for a pause, and then go back out and do it again.
And that was not covid, <laugh> Covid was the opposite of all of that. Absolutely. And I think that's why it did reveal me thinking I was writing this book for our kids and like, oh, they've just not really known hard. Well they, they have known hard, but this was, this was an onslaught and it's not. And that's what also really messed with us is that this wasn't hard in the way, um, that would've activated, um, agency and nobility, right? Like in wartime in the past, so many people found a sense of meaning attached to what they were going out and fighting for. And in this lockdown we couldn't make sense of any of it. And there was nothing you could do to fix anything. It was almost like the only thing you could do was do nothing. And wait. And trust me, we are not people who are made to sit around and wait when there's agl when the house is on fire.
We're not wired for that. No human is going like, I'm just gonna sit here and do nothing until I'm told what to do next while the house is on fire. And so that became very debilitating for a lot of people, um, for adults in particular, but then for kids, because they lost their friends, they lost their community. And historically trauma has always been healed through the centuries long before. Tech technical revolution has always been healed through commitment and tethering to a tribe or a clan, like deeply embedded in community, uh, regulating rhythms of movement. Like, like actual moving your legs, you know, doing right, physical hard labor. Um, the third thing would be belief. Accessing your belief, your core beliefs, your, your your power outside of yourself. Um, and then doing behavioral therapy to help modify that. And then the fourth and very last thing would be like some sort of, you know, natural remedies, uh, like not natural remedies like that would help you like chemically in your brain, right?
Right. Just now, pharmacology. And so that historically for centuries, I mean, we're not the first generation that's experienced trauma. Like this actually quantifies as not a big trauma when you look at like the real physical trauma that people have endured for centuries. So why was this so debilitating? Well, it's because we in this generation have only focused on the last two things. We've started with phar, like psycho-pharmacology, um, like medication. Medication. And then the second thing is cognitive behavioral therapy. So you are in talk therapy and you're processing your stuff. But meanwhile we're, we're ignoring the first two things that historically been the most proven, which it's community like tra clan or tribe, like you, you belong and you're known in every mode of life. And then the other one would be, um, that you have regulatory rhythms in your life. That's why I wrote rhythms of renewal, that you are actually just living a life of movement and we just are, we are hardwired for movement, but instead we're the most sedentary generation and the most isolated gener generation. And both of those have began most dominantly in the 15 years since the invention of the iPhone. So it's unfortunate that this is, I'm not hating technology, it's helping us have this conversation right now. We just need to understand that we are <laugh>, we are beta testing a new version of humanity, and the outcomes are not looking that good.
Joey Odom (15:31):
You're, you're, you're preaching to me here now. I mean this is, this is, um, I, I'm writing this down. I'm, we're beta testing a new version of humanity and the outcomes don't look so good. Now that's, that is, that is very powerful and it's so true. And you're right. Then we talk about early and a quick onset with, with technology and how it's overtaken us. When, when you talk about resilience, will you tell me what, and you go on this, um, some, will you tell me really exactly what it is? What is resilience and what is, what is resilience? Not what are those two? Because there's a yeah, they're real, they're cousins, right? And then what? But one is not the other.
Rebekah Lyons (16:02):
Yeah, absolutely. This was really fascinating for me when I, you know, cuz I love the research, I have to say, I don't know why I just do <laugh>. I never thought I would get into this. So, so, um, I have the book here and I'll just reference it cuz I'll read it better than I'll say it. Um, and for those who of you who are interested, I thought it was really important to know what is resilience really, because we have these aspirational ideas of resilience, like, you know, that we're just not shaken that we bounce back that there. But, but what I learned more studying it, um, if more than four decades of living have taught me anything, it's that the ones who bounce back might not be the most resilient. It's the people who've weathered storms throughout the entirety of their lives who stayed when it would've been easier to leave, who lived with integrity and commitment who've both resumed their original shape but also undergone an internal transformation.
These are the resilient ones and it really came from this definition. Um, the, the original definition in the Oxford English dictionary was in 1627 and it was from the Latin word real, which means to recoil a rebound. And um, and then the second, uh, definition was added in 1824 associated with the power of resuming the original shape or position after compressing or bending, et cetera. And popular culture limits this definition to people who bounce back. And while I appreciate this, I see it broader, this assumes that we are people who are bounced against the wall and retrieved bounce against a wall and retrieved without eventually becoming cracked or deflated. And how I wish that were true, but that's just not the truth. We don't, we don't walk through hardship and are unscathed. Right? You know, just because we have this naive optimism, msm I say we are not people who simply bounce back.
We experience all kinds of trouble, tragedy, loss, both of which can take a lifetime to heal. We develop wounds and scars. Resilient people experience this pain with honesty and bravery and they become stronger not despite the resistance, but because of the resistance. And so then I go on to say that, that, you know, I might define resilience this way. It's our daily consecrated act of remembering there's something far greater than our present troubles, which offers us the power to endure and emerge. There's something greater is, you know, talked about in scripture. So as a person of faith, it was important for me to go, okay, so if we're not ones who just bounce back blindly cuz we're like strong. Then I went back to the ESOPs fable of, of the oak and the reed and how the oak is standing stall tall and so strong.
And like we do see that as a modern picture of resilience. Oak trees are pretty resilient, but what happens with the oak and the Reid is the storm is coming and he's very boastful. He's like, don't you wish you were like me, basically? And the Reid is like, no, I'm kind of content with my lot. And then the storm rages, the Reid bends low because the Reid is nimble and the oak is overturned and the root ball is up on the ground. And what I realized is like there's this new, there's, it's not a new kind of resilience, I would call it a holy kind of resilience where Jesus, throughout the scriptures was called the bruised reed and Isaiah prophesized about him. And then this re is one that bends low, right? And weathers the storm and endures the cross and experiences resurrection, right? Like he had to submit to the storm, like he didn't really want this, uh, we don't want pain to happen, but there is a way of weathering a storm that's nimble, that's that's humble, that's surrendered, that trusts.
And so I found when adversity would come, I could resist it. And the kind of the theme of the book is like, don't run from pain, turn toward it, but turn toward it in a bending, lowering a humble way. Because in that you have victory in that you actually access something beyond yourself and you find your legs to stand up again. You're not like, as if nothing ever happened. I I liked the definition of, uh, resilience being like a Nerf ball that's compressed and then it comes back to the original shape, right? But, but when you think about all of us, what in our life has been like a season of compression where you've just been squeezed? Yeah, there's sometimes in our lives, whether it's a cancer diagnosis or a special needs child or, um, a life, you know, like being unemployed for a season, that there's not a time limit to that compression.
So we're being kind of restricted or constrained and I, there are lies where we will walk through some sort of trouble that doesn't always have an end date. And so it's not easy to bounce back from something that you actually have to walk through with integrity and just let that be what it is and surrender to it. And so I found like when hardship would come and it might linger, like maybe you have a wayward child or you have a marriage that is like falling apart and you're just trying to be faithful in that place. We all want it to just be solved immediately, but that's just not real. That's not real life. And covid was an expression of this, like, this is long, it's extenuating circumstances and it doesn't seem to be ending. And even now, you know, we've got wars and rumors of wars, we still have shootings, we still have trauma.
Like it's not going to go away, right? Not at least in this moment, not in the way we see it in our lifetime. But what we do know is that hope does arise out of it because you find that you still have legs to stand back up and you, and you re you don't resume exactly who I was, right? I I look like the same Rebecca, but I've got some, some wrinkles. I've got, uh, scars from three cesarean c-sections from having my kids. Like I'm a little more weathered. And yet there's a, there's a growth and a, a seasoning and a maturity and a strength that comes from walking through hard things and not resisting those things, but bending in the wake of them so that I can learn, that I can grow, I can, I can offer something of my experience with pain to someone else.
And so I guess in short it's like resilience is getting comfortable with pain, not intimidated by it or, or shine away from it. But then in the comfort, in the comfort of it, being able to be comforted and then being, having the courage and the ability to comfort someone else and and realizing like even the, and the mental health crisis that we're in on the backend of a global pandemic is just as damaging as the pandemic itself. And I feel more equipped than ever. Yeah. Having walked through my own personal things that I've had to overcome to, to serve, to serve and love and strengthen and embolden and we can't really carry what we haven't already received. And so part of the point of pain is that, is it will become purpose if you let it <laugh>. And there will be a lot of meaning attached to that as you find ways to contribute and give to somebody else.
Joey Odom (23:27):
You ju you just said one of the most poignant lines of chapter two, which was pain always becomes purpose if you let it. And that's that. I, I read that and it stopped me in my tracks. And it's, I contrasted that with this, you know, the line that like everything happens for a reason, which I, I don't like that line to begin with. Like I think reason can come out of things like, like the purpose becomes clear. But I do, and I put in all caps, pain always becomes purpose if you let it. And what an and if you're looking for that, it's like the, have you ever heard the Andy Grammar song Wish You Pain? Uh, yes.
Rebekah Lyons (23:59):
It's not for
Joey Odom (24:00):
A long time though. Oh, it's fantastic. But it's a song to the kids like wishing them pain because you know what comes out of pain as as, as brutal as it may be. But that concept of pain always becoming purpose if you let it, I think is one of the most powerful concepts to me. And if you have that mindset, like, and you said earlier, we don't look the same after after adversity and thank God we don't because we have a scar that looks that we can look at. And as a reminder to us, like I've been through, I've been through a storm before, I can fight through this again cuz I've done it before. It's just that reminder that we've been that way. So it's a good thing we have scars whether they're physical or emotional. So that was, um, I mean if nothing else for that book, just that line paint always becomes purpose if you let it. Um, I love that. And I also love Rebecca, this, this, you talked about it earlier in the continuum of, of resilience. It's not like you reach this point of resilience and you define it as that daily consecrated act. It is the doing of resilience that that is resilience, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Absolutely. Hey, if you miss the episode of The Aro Podcast with David Pollack, please make sure and go back and listen. It's such a great episode. Here's a quick clip of David talking about Aro and how they use it within the Pollack family.
David Pollack (25:07):
Well, I had to get off my phone and, and I had to find a way to get rid of it and I had to find a way to not make it something that I'm always, it's always attached to me because I was asking for it from my son who just got a phone. You know, he's got a, he just got a phone in eighth grade. I realized if I don't model it, I I can't accept it or I can't or I, I can't say really say anything about it if I'm gonna continue to do that. And then we took it obviously to the next le level with the Aro box and you know, like last week me and my son are battling it out and it was hilarious because we're both over the box to keep our session going. We're texting so we can keep our phone in there to, to battle each other to see who has the most time.
And, and beside our box we have a framed picture and we, we sat down as a family and we came up with cell phone rules. It's funny because now guess what Nicholas and Leah do? They come home from school and they'll be like, man, you're right. These phones, I see my friends, they're in 'em all the time. They're just, they're engulfed in 'em and it's consuming them. When we eliminate the phone, we choose family more, we choose more things that I think are, are way healthier than screen time. We choose relationship. We choose communication. I, I don't think you're gonna find very many things that we choose that are negative when we put our phones up. But, but again, it's gotta be intentional and it requires intentionality from mom, dad, and kids. Because if you don't intentionally put your phone in there and you don't leave by example, you're not gonna make what you want from them because you didn't model.
Joey Odom (26:33):
You talk about the, you talk about this tension between the now and the not yet, which I really, really like that. Will you expound on that concept just a little
Rebekah Lyons (26:42):
Bit? Yeah, because we, we, like I was saying earlier, we sit in longing, we sit and we long for everything to be made right? And, and what we don't really understand is like we're part of that actually. We, we get to be invited into that. God doesn't need us, but he delights in us and he invites us to join him in being a part of the renewal of all things. You know, like we are image bearers, we carry, uh, the book is really based on second Corinthians four, eight where we're pressed and we're crushed, but we're not destroyed. We're perplexed, but we're not given to despair. Why? Because we carry light shining in our hearts, which is Christ and his spirit. And that is why we never give up. So it's almost this beautiful promise of going, yeah, you're gonna walk, you're just gonna walk through it now.
Yeah, you're gonna walk through our things. We all know this and yet we know there's a, we fixed our eyes on what is unseen for what is uh, for what is unseen. Cuz what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. And that whole chapter really just jarred me because I thought this is it. Like, come what may Christ has already said, I I have the final word, I have the final say. And so yes, faith is infused in, in this holy resilience. It's not just this, pull yourself up by your bootstraps humanistic version of like, man is real because we know like man is fleet, you know, this life as you know, it is fleeting. We don't know the number of days we each have. And so there is something more to call toward to something that's redeemed fully, uh, in ways we won't see.
I lost my dad, uh, to Parkinson's five years ago this week. And he was a man who feared God, but also struggled with some form of chronic depression throughout his adult life. And yet there would be glimpses of glory like throughout that season as well. And I just, I knew like as he passed, the veil was so thin that final weekend, it was Easter weekend. So it's, it's always this time of year that it comes up and, um, just how like, okay, God, like you're gonna make, you make all things new, all things new and death always precedes resurrection, <laugh>. Um, and so like death stinks. Like nobody really wants death of whatever it is. Death of a dream. I quote that, that liturgy in the book. Nobody wants death of relationships. Nobody wants death of, of, of life obviously. Um, but there is always something that's redeemed on the other side of that.
And we see that in real time, but then we'll see it in the fullness. And so the not yet I think is an invitation, um, to going acknowledge what is right now with the promise of what is to come that you faith is what you can't see, but what you decide, what you choose to believe and then in that gap go, what am I going to do with what I have in front of me? Yeah. How am I gonna faithfully steward this tension going, God, what, what do you, what are the assignments that you have on my life for today, for tomorrow? I don't need to know the whole thing. I'm probably better not knowing, but will you guide my steps today? Show me where to go, who to encounter? Give me the words you'd like me to say. Help me, um, choose gratitude, see your gifts as they are right in front of me.
Not lose sight of that. What is, what is gift gifted today? And um, it's a holy invitation to actually be one who joins God in redeeming what breaks our hearts. And so calling is very much where our deep gladness Butner says, where our deep gladness meets the world's deep need. And so for me it might be writing and teaching about the deep need of mental health in our nation. Um, that to me is my role in the now and the not yet. Yeah, that's the assignment. And everyone, as we slowly let our pain become purpose, that assignment does reveal itself. It really truly yeah. Is very personal. It's very passionate. It's, it's, it's armored and mobilized by something beyond us. And there's something I write in the book, in the make meaning there's five rules of resilience. Yeah. Uh, but the make meaning rule is where we really express longing, like the cry of our hearts.
And I ask the question, what do we want? And like really truly like deep in our bones, not like coffee in a walk, but like a good night's sleep. Like, but deepen our longing selves. What do we want? And one of the things I say is we want the kind of work where we know that we have left a part of ourselves in it where there's this calling and this invitation that says, I I'm not just like, you know, getting a monthly paycheck or punching a clock, like I'm doing something that physically makes me come alive and it, when I do it, I was like, I'm thinking I was made for this. Yeah. Because there's something about it that is mobile mobilized and animated by the spirit. It it invites me to walk and step with the spirit and it, it, it will always be infused with that strength and that hope and that meaning because it's not coming from us, it's coming from a source beyond us. And I think that's a really sweet invitation as we navigate the not yet.
Joey Odom (32:26):
One thing you said that's worth people pausing on, you said death always precedes resurrection and, and I'll say it a little bit differently, is there's no resurrection without a death before it. The only way that resurrection happens is with a death. Wanna be super respectful of your time. Will you go, you, you mentioned the, the five rules. The five rules for building a resilient life. You, you mentioned the make meaning. Can you hit on on the few of the others right now to, to whatever, um, sure. To whatever extent you can.
Rebekah Lyons (32:50):
Well I'm, uh, like a chronic, like I'm a linear person, like it all builds. So the first one is name the pain and you just like, that's just therapy 1 0 1, you know? Right. Gotta get honest with pain. You cannot heal what is hidden <laugh>. Right. So you just gotta bring it to the light. And the more we just get honest with God with one another, with it doesn't just require a therapist. I mean, you gotta begin with God. Because if you're not gonna tell God this stuff, you are not gonna tell another human this stuff. Yeah. So start with that. And then the second rule as a result of naming that pain, then now that it's out there, you can hear it and go, wow, I've really believed something with this pain and maybe I need you to do the second rule now, which is shift the narrative.
So name the pain, shift the narrative because my pain was I'm broken and I'm afraid I'll never change. And then all of a sudden Gabe meets me when I confess that and says, you're we're all broken, you're just more aware of it. And all of a sudden I met with grace, I'm met with compassion, I met with like, oh actually you're not alone in this and this is, this is actually with Christ. All things are redeemed. And it was just a sweet kind of like, okay, you're right. And so I started, um, just researching like what is, what, what have I believed and agreed with based on pain? And then what do, what do I need to see differently? So name the pain, shift the narrative. Once you start to believe the truth that sets free in shifting that narrative. Then you go to the third rule, which is embrace adversity.
Nobody wants to embrace adversity, but when you name the pain and you shift the narrative, all of a sudden adversity doesn't feel so intimidating. You do begin to get more comfortable with pain. And so I, there's a chapter in there called Treat Anxiety as a friend. Nobody wants to think of it like that. But what it did for me is the friend that taught me resilience. It, it taught me how strong I am. It taught me how when it returns, I now know what to do. I coach thousands and thousands of people on what to do when it returns. It's no longer the backyard bully that just gets really loud and intimidates me and I'm afraid of how my body's gonna respond. I have actual resilience, tool resiliency tools and techniques, um, based in scripture that have helped me with every kind of form of a panic attack.
Praise God. I would not have had that prior to all of this. Right. Um, so name the pain, shift the narrative, embrace adversity. And the fourth one is make meaning. And that's where I now have purpose on the other side of this pain to help others. Um, and then the final one is endure together. Name the pain, shift the narrative, make meaning embrace adversity and endure together cuz we're not gonna build resilient lives alone. This for sure goes back to what we talked at the beginning of the, of the, was that the historically, the historical way that we have always healed from trauma is being tethered to community. And so I talk a lot about building resilient communities, not just resilience in your own life and in your own marriage or your own family, but what does a household of faith look like where you bear one another's burdens and love you come around, everyone brings their gifts and their skills to the table, and you overlap in every area of life.
Joey Odom (36:04):
That's so good. We are gonna let you go. I have one homework assignment for, for people and then I want you to tell us one thing that people can implement today. My first thing, we're launching this episode on May 2nd, which is the date your book releases. So everybody go out and order and we're gonna give away some copies. We're buying some copies, we're gonna give away copies as well. So that's my one thing you can do today. Go buy this book. And what, what's one thing today, Rebecca's people are listening. What, what's one thing they can implement today walking away from this episode?
Rebekah Lyons (36:33):
Yeah. So, um, in the name the Pain Rule, uh, the second, uh, chapter is called Invite Others In and Engage in a Rhythm of Confession is the third chapter. And I think if we start there like with a, whatever you're navigating today that just feels heavy. Maybe you're just carrying a burden and it's just in your brain and it's just kind of personalized to you, but you haven't really invited somebody else into that. You don't have to overshare everything. But it is important that you go to someone who's trusted that you're not paying. I'm not talking about a counselor, I'm talking about a friend. Um, a peer, a coworker or a colleague, someone where they're safe enough for you to go, like, I'm carrying something and I have been for a while and I just haven't helped held the freedom or permission to tell someone.
And I would just love to invite you into this with me to not fix me, but to be with me as I process this and pray with me or whatever it is. Um, invite somebody in because when you get it outta your body Yeah. And you get it outta your mind, all of a sudden you're able to have a better, uh, perspective of what it what it is. You feel less alone in it, and then you feel stronger. And not only do it one time, right. Don't do it to one time to like a stranger on the subway. Do it with someone you're in relationship with that you're going to see often so that you can then begin a rhythm of confession with that person where they re they respond back with the things they're a real relationship requires reciprocity. It's not one sided where one person's the project and the other person's the solution, right? No. It's a mutual coming together and leading with vulnerability and as a result of that, there's healing without even having to fix it. You know, there's a real true healing just walking a storm with someone by your side.
Joey Odom (38:21):
We can all do that. Everybody listening, please, please go do that. Invite somebody in. Don't worry about the next steps. Just take that first step. Rebekah, where can people, um, find your book, I'm sure everywhere, but, and then learn more about you? Where, where are a couple places we can direct them?
Rebekah Lyons (38:34):
Yeah, the best place would be my website, rebecca lyons.com. And it's spelled a little different so I'm sure you'll put the link. It's r e b e k a h l y o n s.com. Uh, you can go to a podcast I co-host with my husband Rhythms for Life with Gabe and Rebkah Lyons on all your podcast apps. And, uh, yes, if you want to go to my website and even subscribe to my, all my updates and you'll, we'll get to know each other real well. And I'll just encourage you every week or two and keep you updated on all new things that are coming out, resources that are free, that you can have access to.
Joey Odom (39:09):
All of this we'll have in the show notes and we'll be given, uh, doing some giveaways. Please go buy a copy of Building a Resilient Life. Rebecca, thank you so much for coming on The Aro Podcast and thank you. We're very, very grateful for you and your work. And I guess Gabe too. We're grateful for Gabe too, I guess. Yeah,
Rebekah Lyons (39:22):
He's pretty great too. He's are. Thank you. Thanks for having me.
Joey Odom (39:26):
I wanna leave you with one thing that Rebekah Lyons said that I loved. She said that pain always becomes purpose if you let it. None of us like pain. It's no fun. But we do have a promise in that, that it will always become purpose if we let it. Love that. Go listen to that song. By the way, wish You Pain by Andy Grammar. It's a great song that talks a little bit about this, but more than anything, please go pick up a copy of Rebecca's book, building A Resilient Life that's out today, May 2nd. Also check the socials. We're gonna do some giveaways of that book as well. Thank you so much for joining us here on this week's episode of The Aro Podcast. We can't wait to see you next week. The Aro Podcast is produced and edited by the team at Palm Tree Pod. Special thanks to Emily Miles for video and digital support and to our executive producer Aro's own, Katelyn Farley.