#66 - I wish my husband knew the importance of teamwork in marriage and parenting

Mistye Wilson (00:00):

We are raising men and women. That's just the tiny form of them, right? For them to see that a dad, a husband values his wife to help her in her role and his mom, the wife, to value the dad father in his role and back and  forth so that it's not always just mom that's in the car with them taking the places or just mom that's responsible for the kids. I think kids like to know Dad values me so much that he was able to take off work to come see my game.

Joey Odom (00:47):

Welcome back to The Aro Podcast. You've stumbled into my favorite time of the month. It is I wish my husband new time of the month where I am joined by my friend, my covenant friend,

Mistye Wilson (00:59):

Covenant friends. We are

Joey Odom (01:00):

Mistye Wilson. She's the wife of Co-Founder Heath Wilson, one of my favorite people in the entire world. And just as a quick reminder, here's what we do on, I wish my husband knew You come in with a topic that a lot of women yourself, maybe as a young as you've been married, how many years? 20. 22. 22 years. So maybe as a young wife, you wish your husband would've known because we husbands are not as good at reading minds as we would like. And our goal on this is for this to spark a discussion for other couples to be able to have a discussion where you're going to break the ice. Right now the twist is that I don't have any idea what you're about to tell me. So I'm going to sometimes the clueless husband, I am going to try to figure out what on earth you're talking about it so that we can start a discussion for everyone around us. Did I summarize that? Is that

Mistye Wilson (01:48):

Right? No, that's great. No, it's great. I have a question for you though. I want to know if you or anybody else listening actually had you me phone free. Do you have

Joey Odom (02:01):

Any of that? We did have some you me, phone free time and it really is wonderful. The thing that I observe on oomph time, you me, phone free time is how quickly you forget about your phone. So for me it's usually if it's sitting there, even if I just kind of put it down, set it on the table, we're always conscious. Science proves this out, but you're always conscious that it's there and so you're kind of thinking about it, waiting for something. But when you remove it from your visual field of sight, I've found it's just so much easier to engage. So yes, and it was great. I hope others did. And then we did, we talked about the stuff. We talked about the, like you said, and I would love for you to actually touch on this. You mentioned this, we saw each other the other day on this whole idea of the business meeting. Will you talk about that? If people listen to the last

Mistye Wilson (02:50):

Episode? Yeah, like what we talked about last time where yeah, we did just talk about this again and I had lunch with a good friend and she said that was something that really hit her was when moms and wives are setting up dinner time and we have a six o'clock, like dinner's going to be ready at six. And so when the husband's coming home for a wife, whether we realize it or not, that's like our business meeting. We're going to meet you at six and we're going to have a meeting and it's something that you've prepared your proposal or your PowerPoint, and so we have that already. And when you come in and you are 15 minutes late or 30 minutes late, it's just disrespectful. And so you guys out there, you are working for a living and for a business or for yourselves or whatever, which is one thing, but you have a family and your family is your most priority business for life. And so being on time for your wife that's prepared something who wants sit hot on the table, it's a lot of work to get it ready all on time. A lot of times for me, almost impossible, but we really, it just means a lot. It gives us a lot of value that you respect us enough to be home on time.

Joey Odom (04:07):

That was an epiphany, I think I had known that. But putting into those terms was very, very relatable. Hearing that. By the way, if you're out there and you're hearing a topic that you resonate with, let us know. Send us a note, send it to stories@goaro.com. We'd love to hear your stories. And by the way, just as a reminder, this is from our perspective, all these discussions are from our paradigm. We'll talk about gender roles based on what our households look like. Your households will look totally different, probably they might look different, they might look the same. But just understand this is from our perspective and again, with the goal of you finding that something that's true for you and then being able to discuss that, maybe approach a topic. So here we are again. I am as always, I'm clueless.

Mistye Wilson (04:48):

Okay. Yes, you are. Yes. So I'm just going to start out with, I'm an eighties and nineties kid. So the song, remember it takes two to make a thing go, right? Sure. I'm not going to, it takes two to make it out of sight. So now we're going to break it down. Come on. Here we go. I like it. Here we go.

Joey Odom (05:05):

Come on.

Mistye Wilson (05:06):

I wish my husband knew how important a team of two is in a marriage. So let's think about this. Let's talk about it. I have recently spoken with, like I said, I had a really good lunch with a sweet dear friend of mine. And then I was talking with my brother on the phone just within the last week. And these things came up and I thought, man, we live the lie inside of our heads that we're the only family that's cracking a whip all the time of who's picking up Gianna? Who's picking up Harrison, can you be here on time? Can you go there on time? I mean, who even has time for dinner these days? Right? Okay, so you've got all these places. I think when our kids are from ages seven to 15, 16, we're taxi drivers constantly. So for a single mom to do that for herself, which I have an amazing friend who is a single mom, it is a lot of work.

(06:11)
So when you are in a marriage, being a team and working together, it's so important. And it's not just for the marriage, it's also for the kids is something else that as I was thinking about this more and more, I was thinking it's great for the adults, for the marriage, but then you look at the kids and dad comes and picks 'em up from school or dad goes and picks them up from practice. It's just a whole different dynamic. And I think both you and I have 15, almost in a month, 16, we're about to lose that quality time in a car where you've got your son pinned down literally by a seatbelt, you have to be in contact. We're about to lose that. And so being able to be there and pick up your kid and just to share the load with your spouse, it just works for the whole family.

Joey Odom (07:15):

You can see this Mistye, I'm just writing down furious notes. As I think about this, the one thing that comes up for me is we fall into very naturally in marriages, we fall into roles kind of by default. We all have, maybe I'll say it this way, we all have roles and some of them are intentional, some of them are by default. So as you're thinking about those roles, you're talking about the pickups, for example, let's say somebody, one spouse works, one doesn't, it's very easy for the non-working spouse for everything to go on him or her for it. And then the one that's working where it's just like, well, I'm working whether you are or not, how do you begin to intentionally think through those roles? And we're saying pickups as an example, but it could span everything that happens in a home.

Mistye Wilson (08:06):

Yeah, I know that is something too. And with my brother, both of them work or even the friend that I was speaking with at lunch, both of them work. So that's really some juggling. And yes, I can see how me being a stay-at-home mom, it wouldn't make sense to just call Heath and say, Hey, can you go grab, I'm just going to sit here and eat bond bonds, which is not really the case. I've got to be honest. Yeah, I've never

Joey Odom (08:36):

Seen any

Mistye Wilson (08:37):

Bonds, never. And I don't even bond bonds, honestly. I've tried many. I don't really like any of them, but it's more of a moment. It's not. It's either having a Thursday where heath is the one that goes and picks up the kid, or just knowing that if I needed to call on him, I could. And there are some times where it's just like, no, I really can't. And then in today's time, making a kid wait 30 minutes is the kid's like, what? I've got to wait, how long for him? It's like waterboarding them, right? Yeah. I know it's waterboarding

Joey Odom (09:10):

Well, but how does it, maybe this is in that you instantly took on, well, of course it's me, but is that always the case? Is that how it should be? Is that how it should be? That Heath does work, but Heath also has flexibility in his schedule. And I think today more than ever, people have flexibility in their schedules of hybrid working, whatever that is. So is it actually fair to you that it should be an unspoken? Of course, Mistye is the default picker upper.

Mistye Wilson (09:37):

Yeah, I think so. Just because I consider my role at home as my job. I do it for free. So maybe it's just more volunteer work. But yes, I think that it should fall on me. I used to think of it when my kids were younger. My job started at 3:00 PM so getting things done like grocery shopping or cleaning the house or whatever else needs to be done during the day, that can be done for me kind of here, there and everywhere, a little bit scattered. But when 3:00 PM hits and my kids are getting out of school, it's game on for me. That's when my job starts. And so my job goes 3:00 PM till 10:00 PM So for me, yes, I automatically think that is my job. There are a lot of couples who dad might be going to work a certain way every day. So it's almost think around how you could do it, maybe if dad's going that way anyway, or sort of that way just for him to have that time in the car with his kids and drop them on his way to work or pick them up after if it's on his way, if it's not.

(10:57)
I'm trying to think of, and there's a lot of moments and in my mind right now I'm thinking more of just knowing that there is no pushback. If the wife says, Hey, can you pick up Junior? I think when the spouse, the husband already naturally thinks, well, it's your job. So we both have kids, he's as much your child as he is mine. So I think if I'd ever heard Heath say, well, that's your job, or some pushback with it, I think that would've been frustrating. We've just always been a team when it comes to sharing the load of the kids. And it does default to me, and I don't mind that. And I think that's how it should be. I know that there were, and I think it spoke volumes way back when the kids were little. Reese, I guess she was three, not even.

(12:01)
And she was jumping on the bed during nap time upstairs, which we can all relate. They don't really nap during nap time. So she was singing and jumping on the bed and I heard a bang. I go upstairs. She had split her eyebrow. It was literally cracked open and the face bleeds a lot, so she's bleeding. I just call Heath in a panic and I scoop up Maddox and Zane as well. So I have three kids under the age of three, and we're busting it out the door. I get to the pediatrician and we are back in the back room. We'd finally gotten back there and the door opens and I'm thinking, well, the nurse, the doctor's going to come in, they're going to check her out. The door opens and Heath comes in. And the fact that I felt the feeling of him thinking, these are my kids too. This is an important moment. And not everybody has the flexibility to be able to do that. But guys, man, if you do, it's invaluable to do something like that, that you share your children in the relationship.

Joey Odom (13:19):

So let's take a household where let's say one partner works, one stays with the kids, one kind of manages the kids. You said if Heath were to ever say, oh, that's your job, that would've been somewhat factual, just like if you were, it wouldn't have been offensive to him if he hadn't made money in four months for you to say, Hey, that is your job. We talked about this, that you would have a job and I would stay with the kids. So it wouldn't have been offensive. But for a husband to say it to a wife, in this case, in this scenario, that's a no-no. Right? So it's almost like on one side it's like it's very easy to take for granted what you're doing. Maybe my point here is it seems like it's easy for both partners to only see their roles and not appreciate what the other one does. If one of 'em is taking care of the kids, same with kids more. If the other one is working in the workplace, maybe. How is it, how are ways that you have shown appreciation for Heath's role in your partnership? And what are some ways, you just mentioned a good one, but what are some ways that he's effectively acknowledged and appreciated your role in the partnership?

Mistye Wilson (14:29):

So the way that Heath and I are, if I call him, I don't just call him daily and say, can you go pick up the kids? Or whatever. This is more in a state of, oh my goodness, I can't get there in the next two hours. Can you get there? Is it possible? And instead of him grumbling, he me like a human being, I'm not able to, are you able to call a friend or, sure, I can go get 'em. They're going to have to be there for 30 minutes, but I can go get them. So I think really this is all about attitude, right? Because I think in the eighties, maybe even the nineties, the dad had his role and the mom had her role, and we are just so not like that anymore. My dad probably didn't change a single diaper and heath changed a lot. So it's just different now and a lot of great ways. And so it's a team, it's a partnership. It's not you're going to do this and I'm going to do this. You got to share the load sometimes. And there are times too, if he's at work and he's left something behind, which is rare because he remembers everything because

Joey Odom (15:45):

He, he's

Mistye Wilson (15:46):

Awesome, that very, very young man. And so if he's forgotten something, I'm happy to bring it over. I don't just say, well, you're at your job, you forgot it. You need to figure it out. It's not like that at all. We don't do tit for tat where it's, well, I did this, so you need to do this. It's never like that. And I think that in a marriage, if you're operating that way, that's a recipe for disaster.

Joey Odom (16:13):

Yeah, it is funny as you're saying that, I don't think over the years I've given Kristen enough credit on this topic where if I need something done, something as small as mailing a letter, and so I won't ask her, but what I naturally will find myself is I'll start getting resentful. I'm working over here. And rather than just saying in the times, I'm like, Hey, will you mail this letter for me? Yeah, of course. It's funny how we, it's like we create all these narratives in our mind where, and it begins, we begin almost this false resentment or resentment over false things. When you recognize, hey, we're in a partnership, it makes such a big difference. I'm curious, you said at the beginning it's for the kids too. Will you talk about that a little bit?

Mistye Wilson (16:55):

Yes. Okay. So we are raising men and women. It's just the tiny form of them. And so for them to see that a dad, a husband values his wife to help her in her role and his mom, the wife, to value the dad father in his role and back and forth so that it's not always just mom that's in the car with them taking the places or just mom that's responsible for the kids. I think kids like to know Dad values me so much that he was able to take off work to come see my game. It speaks volumes, and I know that there's always work to be done on both male and female sides, but kids automatically know or think, well, mom's going to be there, mom's probably going to be there, mom's probably going to pick me up or show up or meet me at halftime or having your dad out there. I think for a kid, I hate to say that it's a bigger deal, but it says a lot.

Joey Odom (18:14):

Well, I think in any case, and this is just moms are, I can say maybe this is a little dramatic. We're just more generally taken for granted and it's because they're constantly available. And so obviously when something is more scarce, just naturally, if dad's not picking you up every day or if he travels a little bit, if that's the case in a family, or again, vice versa, if dad's with the kids and mom's working, whoever is more scarce is the one that's probably a little bit more valuable. And so if you're in that case, you can kind of recognize that power you have and then power in a good way or opportunity, you have to say, okay, this would be pretty impactful if I did that. I mean, we all undervalue our potential impact

Mistye Wilson (19:01):

As we're sitting here talking. And I start to see it on your side too. And you just brought up the topic of when you're traveling for business, which I've said before, Heath used to do a lot and you guys do a pretty good bit now. And I think that it is probably going to pick up even more. But I think or feel, and I'm putting words in Heath's mouth, so maybe this isn't true, but when he's been on a business trip for three or four or five days, I have noticed that he is more attentive in, how can I help you once he gets home, I think he understands that I've been carrying the load for those days. And so can I pick the kids up early or can I take them to school today? Or what sport does who have, I mean, right now we are juggling, we've got one again at a boarding school, but we do have four kids and three that we're trying to juggle. Luckily, two of ours now drive, so it does make things a lot easier. But I have noticed whenever he comes back from being gone, he is more likely to want to do something to help. And I wonder if that comes, and I'm just going to ask you, does that come from a place of guilt? Is that why or where does that come from? That's

Joey Odom (20:21):

A great question. I think it is maybe for me, I don't know that Heath would necessarily be driven by that. I'm driven by that a little bit. But it's guilt, but it's not toxic guilt. It's this thought that I recognize. You recognize it. You have two seniors. And so we recognize how, especially as your kids get into teenage years, just how scarce the time is. And so you really want to be there. And then I do, if you can take a moment to empathize, and Kristen's good about just talking about this and just saying, Hey, it would be really helpful since you're gone next week, why don't you take off Friday? Can you take off the Friday before and let's go do something? And so you kind of fill up the tank beforehand. But there is it just because I want to be there and I know, and again, if you could look at it also in a selfish way probably, or a self preserving way and say, this is going to make this a lot easier if I fill up the love bucket on Friday, spend some time, spend some focus time again with the recognition.

(21:24)
I think this is just going back to what you were saying in the beginning of it being a partnership. Yes. That's where it's so important. Andy Stanley, the pastor of the church where we both went when we lived in Atlanta, he would say that healthy relationships don't need rules, which isn't that good. Oh

Mistye Wilson (21:39):

Boy, that's so true. Isn't that great, man, I'm a rule follower, but I think if my husband gave me rules, I'd probably become a rule breaker

Joey Odom (21:48):

That wouldn't go well. Yeah,

Mistye Wilson (21:49):

Would not go well.

Joey Odom (21:50):

But it's almost like you need the rules because, and by the way, if you can recognize that people can recognize that, hey, something's a little unhealthy, the rules will get you back into balance to where you won't require the rules anymore. And so back to this, if I'm kind of roundabout answering your question, but I don't believe in some instances, maybe I'm driven by guilt. The guilt would probably come after the fact where I'm just like, oh, crap. Things have, because we would, I mean, everybody has these stories. I would go to Vegas every year for a real estate conference when I was in real estate for 15 years, and the first year there was a tornado where we were, the second year there was the ceiling collapsed. The third year there was a bat in the basement, the flying bat, not the baseball kind. And it was just like every year, only

Mistye Wilson (22:38):

In the base, something's telling me you shouldn't be going to Vegas. Yeah, I

Joey Odom (22:40):

Know. Exactly. Right. Exactly. Actually, I've been playing blackjack all night. And so Kristen called me one morning, good morning, and I was like, oh, I haven't gone to bed yet. Oh, what do you know? But the whole idea behind that is if you recognize that you're in a partnership and you're not doing things to just appease your partner, you know what I mean? Yep. It's almost like the guilt doesn't really do anything. Then you're just checking a box like, oh, I got to go make her feel like as opposed to just like, oh, I'm going to miss you and I'm going to want to do this. But it comes from that overall recognition that this is a partnership.

Mistye Wilson (23:17):

And again, that comes back around to the attitude of it. Yeah,

Joey Odom (23:19):

That's right.

Mistye Wilson (23:20):

So I guess as we're talking about this, I'm realizing more and more like spouses, your attitude is everything so true. Even if guys, if you do think that's her job, good gracious, don't say it. I mean, please, for the love of our marriages, don't say it.

Joey Odom (23:44):

Well, that makes me think about, it goes on a sideways tangent of doing something for your spouse and them knowing that it's sacrificial. You might as well not even do it. If Kristen wants to go to the mall, fine, I'll go to the mall for you. That's not going to make a fun experience for her, right? No. And the other way, if you can almost trick the other person into thinking that you like shopping, how cool would that be if your grandparents, if your grandparents at 90 years old, if your grandma said, oh, he always loved going shopping with me, and it's just him, just trick her the whole time. He didn't like

Mistye Wilson (24:20):

Shopping. He hated it.

Joey Odom (24:21):

He just wanted her to be happy. But think about that attitude, how that changes something.

Mistye Wilson (24:25):

I know. It's so true,

Aro Member (24:31):

Especially at my level. The age that my kids are and the kids I serve at my school is kids will tell you what they need with their whole bodies, their eyes tell you, their bodies tell you, their emotions tell you. I mean, they're telling you what to meet, and it's our job to try to meet those needs and fill them however we can. And the only way you really can do that is by being present and noticing what it is that they are telling you. And so that was what I was noticing, that I was not noticing those things. I was missing some of those moments and they would be the ones to snap me out of it. They would be like, dad, and I'd check myself and go, okay, and I'd reengage. But those interruptions are what never makes you fully present. And so again, I think you have to try to really dive in. And for me, the only way to do that is without option to that

Joey Odom (25:14):

Device. We love hearing stories from the Aro community. The one you just heard actually comes from our Voices of Aro episodes where I sit down with Aro members and they share about their stories and their lives with Aro. Make sure to check out the Voices of Aro episodes, and if you're a member who would like to share your own story with Aro, please email us at stories@goaro.com. So we've kind of talked about the weekday team. Yes. Let's talk about the weekend team. Yes. What does the weekend team look like? Yes,

Mistye Wilson (25:46):

Our weekend team looks like, and Heath is a morning person, and I'm a night owl, so this actually works in his favor as well as mine. I really, on Saturdays, I really, really like to sleep until nine. Really? Really like that. Oh, that's so great. And he gets up and Saturday mornings he has his quiet time. He gets to watch or look at the news on his computer. We don't really use the TV much anymore for these. It's so

Joey Odom (26:19):

Weird. He probably watches cartoons also.

Mistye Wilson (26:20):

Yeah, I bet he does. Bet he does. But he always turns it off at noon and goes outside to play. So yeah, it works out really well for us. I know when the kids were younger, the Saturday morning routine, once they were separated from being me, the feeding system, Heath was really good about getting up with 'em. Kids get up so stinking early in the mornings, and so he would be more inclined to get up with them in the mornings. And for those first couple hours. And I know a lot of dads that do this a lot, they get up for the first couple hours and they take the kids with 'em while they go get coffee. And then by the time the mom gets up, the kids are a little bit worn out. Dad certainly is as well. And you go on about your Saturday, that's huge. I've also noticed Heath on Sunday mornings, he's so good about before we go to church, he gets a whole spread of breakfast going, which is so nice because I do breakfast for the kids five days a week and Sunday mornings he's upping at him before the rest of us. And man, it's just a good time to sit down together before heading out together.

Joey Odom (27:33):

Was he ever golf guy on Saturdays? No.

Mistye Wilson (27:36):

Oh,

Joey Odom (27:36):

He was triathlon. He was triathlete though.

Mistye Wilson (27:39):

Yep. There's that. I mean, the trigger you there, that is a major trigger. Yeah, he would. Yep.

Joey Odom (27:47):

Sorry, I just derailed this one. ptsd ts

Mistye Wilson (27:52):

Coming, my eyes clicking. That

Joey Odom (27:54):

Is a real thing though. The golf. Yes, which is so interesting. So you get the golf or triathlete or whatever where they're gone on a Saturday, that creates some real conflict.

Mistye Wilson (28:08):

Yeah, I don't, and I never have understood, and maybe it's going to ruffle some feathers of the dads, and maybe this is the same way for the moms as well. I've never understood when one of the spouses on Saturday morning says, okay, it's me time, you are it. And then that spouse just heads out for the day, I deserve.

Joey Odom (28:32):

And you're talking kind of on a regular, rather on a

Mistye Wilson (28:35):

Consistent, it's every Saturday and the guy's going playing golf, or if every Saturday the woman is going to go out and shop or be with friends or whatever, and it's like a long period of the day. I think going into that, I think that brings out so much pride of I deserve. And so you're discounting how hard your partner works during the week because if you deserve every Saturday to go play golf, well then what's to say that on Sundays I come back as, okay, well then my day is Sunday. And then you totally lose the whole family dynamic, which is the whole point in the first place. So I think that's just a recipe for disaster. I think guys, even if you know or want that on Saturdays, you go play golf, ask her what you can do in return or ask her if it's okay. I think, oh, the guys that just say, I'm headed out to go play golf, this is what I'm going to go do. This is my Saturdays. It wouldn't work for us. I think that some families do make it work. Yeah,

Joey Odom (29:51):

But there's a caution there. Even if it, and I want to be careful about saying this because everybody, different strokes for different folks, things are going to work differently, but you are right. Your kids really want time with you. It's a really good time to be able to, now again, I go on a guy's trip once a year, I have the weekend off and we all have different things again. That's fine. But we're talking about kind of the regular routine where your kids just maybe don't expect you there on a Saturday or Sunday. I would caution against that.

Mistye Wilson (30:22):

Agreed. And I do think too, once your kids start getting older and back on golf, what we're talking about, so if you just start taking one of the kids, yeah, that's right. Maybe that's once a month, you'll take one of the kids or a couple of the kids. I think that for the mom, knowing that dad's making it a point to take one of the kids and invest dads, when you invest in our children, you are investing in your wife. Our children are an extension of us. They really, were a part of our bodies at one point. So for you to do something for our children, you are not only are you helping me because you're taking the load off maybe for that Saturday or something, which sounds terrible that kids were alone, but let's be honest, they are in all the best ways of course. But you're investing in that kid and you're making the child seem valuable. That makes mom feel valuable as

Joey Odom (31:30):

Well. Kind of bouncing all over. But I was thinking back to a story, Kristen, our first house, so this was almost 20 years ago, 18 years ago. I remember on a Saturday it was just the two of us. We didn't have kids yet, but we were cleaning house. And I remember thinking, there's nothing better when we're working towards a common goal, when we're working towards the same goal. We're totally united. We began at that time doing our Sunday afternoon meetings, planning out the whole week, just planning the thing. One thing Kristen said, even in cooked meals, Kristen cooks at our home, and I think I may have mentioned this last time, we sit together and come up with ideas, love. She just said sometimes it's 60% of the thing is thinking of the idea. But there is, and for people who haven't done this, who haven't gotten on the same page and worked towards the same goal, whether that's a savings goal that you're working towards for a vacation or something like that, or if you're just cleaning the house together and then involving your kids, I've found that that's such a powerful piece. You see the value of the team. Back to your original thought, the value of that team of two, and really how fun it is too.

Mistye Wilson (32:36):

I know it's

Joey Odom (32:36):

Just fun. At some point you dated this person. I know at some point you really wanted to spend time. You want to spend every waking minute with them and you can actually recapture that in little otherwise mundane things like cleaning. So

Mistye Wilson (32:47):

True. Right? Yeah, so true. Or even I know that my mom's always been so good. My dad likes to work outside in the yard and I can't tell you how many times that sweet little woman's been cut up by when she's using the wee whacker, her legs. I mean, she's gotten poison oak, poison ivy, poison sumac. My mother goes out and she works in the yard with him and she knows that. He loves that. He loves it. I don't think she's ever loved it. She's also fair skinned and she gets burned.

Joey Odom (33:22):

Sounds pretty awesome.

Mistye Wilson (33:22):

My mother is a saint. She goes out there and she does that with him and it means a lot to him. And she knows that. And I think she also likes working as a team. So yeah,

Joey Odom (33:36):

There is such power in that. I'm thinking about someone listening to this who feels like they're maybe pulling more weight in the partnership or that it's not a partnership. So how would you advise somebody who is in a spot where they feel like it's out of balance and hey, things aren't healthy. Maybe I do need some rules. Would you advise? How would that person go about? And even maybe it was fine for years one through two and one to two a marriage, but you're at year 10 of marriage and you're at a different stage of life. How do people get back to a good place?

Mistye Wilson (34:09):

So true. So if you're feeling like you're stuck, you're never stuck. So it's the whole conversation thing. So put away everything that would cause any sort of distraction. Make some eye contact, ask your husband, say, Hey, at four o'clock can we talk about something that's pretty important to me? Or when the kids aren't around, just ask and say, is there a time that I can talk with you that's pretty important to me? Or something that I've noticed or something I feel like we can do better because women, if we come at our husbands with, you're doing this wrong, I can promise you he's going to feel like a scolded child. That's right. And it's not going to work out well. So let's just start there. Don't be the mom to your husband. Right?

Joey Odom (34:58):

That's

Mistye Wilson (34:58):

So true. It's true. You guys are just like, you know what, no, I don't have a mom here. Wow. Yeah. So come at them as a team member, as an equal. And women, if you're feeling like you're not equal because he is doing more things on his own on weekends, remind yourself you are equal. So when you go to him, I need you to feel that and go to him in love and just say, let's talk about this and then what is it that you're asking? And be direct in a kind way. Don't finish the conversation until you've come to some sort of conclusion of what you can change. Even if it starts out tiny, like, hey, for this month, can we just do Saturday mornings that I get to sleep until nine something little? And then see how that goes. There's got to be give and take.

Joey Odom (36:01):

So back to that scenario, even if you've done that exactly as you prescribed out there, that doesn't eliminate the possibility for feeling defensive on the other side of that conversation. And one thing just for the fellows, if this comes up, what I would encourage, and this is going to be really hard, probably impossible, and I'm probably just talking to myself here. I've noticed that when I feel defensive, that means that she's scratching on a little truth and I know it. Yikes. And that sucks, right? I mean, that's not a good feeling to know. Okay, well, so if you're feeling defensive, the immediate, that's just your body wanting to repel whatever it is you want to get away from that situation, it's usually because something true there. So what I would encourage the guys to do really is just hear it. And I promise you, you don't even have to agree with it. You correct me if I'm wrong, if your wife can feel heard, even if you say, I don't really understand, but I do understand you feel that way, which means it's important to me, right? Just that alone.

Mistye Wilson (37:02):

Yeah. It's so true. Yes. And men are also words of affirmation. So coming to him and saying, I know you work hard during the week and I appreciate the time that you spend during the week doing this, that and the other, but here's where I'm feeling a little bit lost in the marriage right now. I feel a little less than, I feel like my needs aren't getting met as much as yours right now. So can we figure out a plan?

Joey Odom (37:39):

And you're so right on the words, the words, but you're dealing with the male pride, the male ego, and we all have that pride and ego. And so it is hard to hear that, but you're right. If you can go about it in that way and a compliment sandwich goes a long way also, it really does compliment correction, then compliment, sandwich 'em all altogether. The sandwich. By the way, your biceps look great, honey. Say something like that. Exactly, exactly. It does go a long way. I've found also that it's in those moments of just maybe even when you're in a good place, which is hard because you don't want to upset the apple cart, but that's usually a good time because you feel that there's an undergirding of love. When you feel secure in that love, then it's a lot easier to hear something. So

Mistye Wilson (38:24):

True. So true.

Joey Odom (38:28):

I will say also, because this is all we talk about all the time, that conversation you have right there, it's an oomph time. You me, phone free, can you go put your phone away? The Gottman Institute. So what you've just described is what the Gottman Institute would call a bid. A bid is when you're asking something, you're kind of suggesting something, but it's requiring vulnerability from you. And so you're probably not being fully overt with it. You're kind of hoping your spouse picks up on the bid. And so if you can pick up on that bid, the Gottman Institute says that 86% of couples who remain married turn towards their partner's bids for connection 86% of the time. Something like that. Double 86 there. But if you can turn towards that 86 or 88% and people who get divorced, who don't remain married only turn towards those bids 33% of the time.

(39:17)
And I've found, and we've heard this from a ton of people, when you're holding that phone, you're physically and emotionally unable to turn towards. And so it's one of those moments when you feel a bid coming from your partner, Hey, can I talk to you? This is one of the things that we say to change your relationship with your phone. Searching for those bids, those cues. When your partner says something, Hey, there's something I want to talk to you about that's important to me. If your spouse will say, it's important to me too, let me put my phone away. Lemme put my phone. Those six words, those six words will change the entire 10 other conversation. Put my phone down and then you're there. You're halfway there.

Mistye Wilson (39:51):

Yeah. Even if the phone is, when I was saying put all the distractions away, you're so right. I mean, we are, we're always talking about the phone situation. And it is, even if it's just right beside either one of you, it really does need to be put away and go to a different room. It's really amazing how the power of the phone.

Joey Odom (40:14):

Amazing. I know.

Mistye Wilson (40:16):

Yeah. So yeah, do yourselves a favor and go put that in another room and then talk.

Joey Odom (40:24):

Yeah. That's so good. Alright, let's cross our T's. Let's put a heart over our i's give us one little last, whether it's a takeaway or even just a restatement at the beginning. What's the one thing for people to go begin this conversation? Where would you like for them to begin?

Mistye Wilson (40:39):

Well, first of all, listen to the podcast and then pass it over to your spouse and just ask them if they will listen. I've had a couple of girlfriends that said that they passed it along to their husbands and I love it. I love it. I'm like, okay, we're doing it right. I would suggest that first, just remember that we were talking about, we got married. I don't think we got married thinking one was going to be less than the other one. We got married as a team. So go back to how you felt about when you were able to go to that one with just, you can go to them and talk about anything. And if you're in a point where you're not even there anymore, start there. I am about to talk with you about something and I'm kind of afraid to, but I just want to talk about it.

(41:30)
Please don't get upset with me. Women again, don't be the mom. Men don't be a baby about it. I mean, if you act like a baby, we're going to be a mom. Okay? Yeah. Right? So go to each other in love. Just take a hot minute. Really. Just take some time and maybe if your guy is constantly on the go, I know I've said before, Heath is an energizer bunny. Ask and say, Hey, I need 30 minutes of your time. So that way he has a finite amount of time. He knows I'm only locked down for 30 minutes and then he can go play. Okay guys, I love you. I really, really

Joey Odom (42:15):

Do. Hey, what a thing you just said though. If you act like a baby, we're going to act like a mom. And then if you act like a mom, then we're going to act like a baby. It's true. What an in virtuous cycle. That's a tough one.

Mistye Wilson (42:25):

Yeah, everybody be an adult.

Joey Odom (42:26):

Yeah, let's be adult. Let's be

Mistye Wilson (42:27):

Grownups. That's the takeaway. Yeah, exactly. That's the takeaway.

Joey Odom (42:30):

Well, this is great. You have your marching orders. This is fantastic.

Mistye Wilson (42:33):

I know. I love it so much. Great job. I love, I come in thinking I'm going to teach you something new. You do. And you just come right back at me. I

Joey Odom (42:40):

Got a full page of notes here. I'm just literally trying to learn. Love it. No, love it. This is so good. And again, I hope for everybody out there, just go start a conversation, go have the conversation. Doesn't have to be a full one. Put your phones away and just have a little oomph time and learn about the partnership, how you make your partnership the best it can be.

Mistye Wilson (42:56):

Yeah. Thanks Joey.

Joey Odom (42:57):

Thank you, Mistye. Yeah.

(43:00)
Okay, gang. You have two pieces of homework. The first one is send this episode to your partner, and then the second one is schedule a time to sit and talk about it and make it relax. Grab a glass of wine, sit on the back porch. Weather's getting great outside. Schedule a date night to go talk about it and just let this be a conversation starter for you. Figure out what is true to you, what your partner thinks. We walk through those of you in marriages, you can relate to this. I bet as we walk through assuming what the other person is thinking, find out what they're thinking, how did this hit them? Is that true for them? We're hoping to break the ice for your conversation and we would love to hear your stories. Please tell us about that. Just shoot us an email stories@goaro.com. We hope you have a great date night talking about this, and we can't wait to see you again next month for I Wish My Husband Knew. And next week for The Aro Podcast. The Aro Podcast is produced and edited by the team at Palm Tree Pod co. Special thanks to Emily Miles for video and digital support, and to our executive producer Aro's own, Katelyn Farley.